Now that he's clinched the Democratic nomination for president, will Barack Obama ask Hillary Clinton to be his date for the Big Dance? And if he does, will the proud senator from New York agree to cha-cha-cha with the senator from Illinois? Those juicy answers are probably days away. But we couldn't resist playing presumptive DJ and dreaming up campaign songs for an Obama-Clinton ticket. We have songs for all occasions, from wooing the Red States to claiming victory (or conceding defeat) on Nov. 4.
For the big announcement: I'll Stand By You, the Pretenders. It's rousing, it's catchy, it fools people into thinking these two would rather win the White House together then claw each other's mugs off in a steel-cage death match. Hooray for facades! Other choices: I Got You Babe, Sonny & Cher; Could It Be I'm Falling in Love, the Spinners; Me and Mrs. Jones, Billy Paul.
For a pivotal stop at a rustic BBQ joint in the small-town Republican stronghold of Bushland, Texas: Friends in Low Places, Garth Brooks. The well-heeled Obama-Clinton ticket needs to convince us commoners that they can get down with the pulled-pork contingent. "I'm not big on social graces / Think I'll slip on down to the oasis …" Look, Hillary's riding the mechanical bull! Wahoo! Other choices: Stuck in the Middle With You, Stealers Wheel; Everyday People, Sly & the Family Stone; I Love This Bar, Toby Keith.
For the $1-billion-a-plate schmoozefest thrown by Hollywood elitist David Geffen: Money Changes Every-thing, Cyndi Lauper. Thank God they got out of Bushland! Nice to be back among the richies and the foie gras. Look, there's Spielberg! He can direct Obama's heart-warming inauguration movie! Other choices: Money Talks, AC/DC; Lawyers, Guns and Money, Warren Zevon; Where Da Cash At, Curren$y.
For Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton's obligatory photo-op luncheon: A Woman's Worth, Alicia Keys. We were thinking of suggesting Tammy Wynette's Stand by Your Man. But then we remembered we'd get stabbed when we got home. Hooray for ladies! Other choices: Sisters Are Doin' It for Themselves, the Eurythmics and Aretha Franklin; Girls Talk, Linda Ronstadt; Girls Gone Wild, Ludacris.
For Obama and Bill Clinton's obligatory photo-op luncheon: Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word, Elton John. This could get testy. After all, Clinton's "fairy tale" line was a low blow. So this lunch is all about apologies first, grunty male-bonding after. Other choices: (Just Like) Starting Over, John Lennon; It's a Man's Man's Man's World, James Brown; Check Her Out, Shakira.
If they win: Two Tickets to Paradise, Eddie Money. "We've waited so long, waited so long . . ." Other choices: Finally, CeCe Peniston; You and Me Against the World, Helen Reddy; We Are the Champions, Queen.
If they lose: If I Could Turn Back Time, Cher. "It's your fault!" "No, it's your fault!" "I can't believe I picked you!" "I can't believe I lost to you!" Other choices: I Hate Myself for Loving You, Joan Jett; Thanks for Nothing, Sum 41; Let's Call the Whole Thing Off, Louis Armstrong.