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Who needs Liberty City? Tampa offers plenty for a 'GTA' sequel

By Joshua Gillin, tbt* staff writer
In print: Friday, April 25, 2008

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ADVERTISEMENT Illustration by Chris Cosenza/tbt* using file images

While gamers feverishly await the Tuesday release of Grand Theft Auto IV, I can't help but wonder: When are Take Two Interactive and Rockstar going to move the franchise to a new 'burg? We've seen takes on L.A., San Francisco and Vegas (San Andreas), Miami (Vice City) and New York (Liberty City — again), but when are they going to head down to the Gulf Coast? Drop a sequel in Tampa, lean back and cash the checks. Here are a few ideas to keep the developers dealing drugs, jacking cars and killing prostitutes for years to come.

The setup

You play Rick Nolan, a sleeveless redneck with a flat-top and a chip on his shoulder. He's come to Stogie City to prove he can be the best drifter on the scene — no matter the cost! But to be king of the streets, he's got to do some dirty work (insert speed metal or hip-hop song after intro).

Cheddar's better

As any self-respecting street racer knows, you need some scratch for your ride. And while beating hookers and mugging old ladies works for beer money, those nitro tanks and new rims require a little more cash. He's got to take odd jobs as a line cook at Shooter's, where he runs afoul of the management for stealing chicken wings, and later as a bouncer at Mons Aphrodite, where he falls in with unsavory sorts who hire him to smuggle Cuban tobacco seeds for cigar rollers in Drinkmore City. Eventually he becomes a pit boss at Bowler Lane, and that's when the big bucks come in.

Moving violations

You've had plenty of fun causing vehicular mayhem before, but now you're the one who needs to watch the road. Snowbirds and Q-tips abound on the streets of Stogie City, so you'll need a steady hand to navigate your way across the Tandy Bridge to St. Oldsburg. And watch out for those Ontario plates, man ... they're the worst.

A little skin

For our very own "Hot Coffee" mod, let's throw in a sequence where Rick has to pick up his illegitimate son from school. Press the right buttons and the oversexed middle-school teacher will recharge your life meter, if you know what we're saying.

In the clear

Unfortunately, the part of the game where you harass the local members of a celebrity religion had to be taken out after the church's legal team threatened to sue. So, uh, let's have the Swingers relocate to a dome nobody likes in St. Oldsburg. Sure.

Drifting away

Nolan wants to make the biggest, baddest drifting video ever, so he sets up a series of 50 stunt jumps, the penultimate of which is driving off the Sunsoaked Starway onto a container ship, which he must stop from crashing into the bridge. He must defeat the game's final boss, a retiree from Liberty City who doesn't care what people say, he pays his taxes and he'll get what he wants! That'll keep Jack Thompson busy.