Brace yourself for a major media event. Wednesday, at 4 p.m., the world will discover the identity of ... the 2010 Gasparilla Pirate Fest Grand Marshal!
Don't give us that look! What were you expecting — the identities of Tiger Wood's 19th and 20th girlfriends?
The Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino is the new partner of Pirate Fest, held Jan. 30, with Ye Mystic Krewe. They'll host the invite-only event to announce the grand marshal, a title only given out a handful of times in the history of the parade.
Oh, it's quite the honor. In 1959, Roy Rogers held the title. In 1989, it was Woody Woodpecker!
So it's not quite the same prestige as being the grand marshal of the Faber College homecoming parade, but at least there's less chance for mischief with 10,000 marbles.
Because the Seminole Hard Rock folks are staying mum — "a quality individual who leads by example" is their only hint — we have our own top 5 Gasparilla Grand Marshal picks:
1. JOHNNY DEPP: The dream pirate! Let's see, he's making $55 million up front for a fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie. We can offer him ... ummm, a few dozen 50-yard-line club seats for the Bucs' home finale?
2. JOE MADDON: Has great ability to keep a zen-like appearance when things get chaotic around him and the crowd is going nuts. Just trade the eyeglasses for an earring, Joe.
3. MARK BURNETT: We'll pitch the legendary producer this reality show idea — Survivor: Gasparilla. A dozen contestants dive off the Jose Gaspar, swim ashore and are forced to navigate though hordes of beer-willing natives in search of a clean Port-o-Let.
4. BROOKE HOGAN: Now hear us out. Comes from a family that looks good in do-rags. Could film episode of Brooke Knows Best during parade. Would be first bead-thrower instead of bead-receiver to flash breasts.
5. JOSH FREEMAN: Face it, the guy's already been keelhauled. And the Buccaneers' rookie QB needs some cheers after the season he's had.
Compiled by Times staff writers Steve Spears and Anne Glover. Times researcher Will Gorham contributed to this report.