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The Why's Guy

Lingerie Bowl, Viagra bribes and pigeon poo

Pity the players of the Lingerie Football League.

Ready to strut their stuff in a pay-for-view event that would coincide with halftime of the Super Bowl, they lost the Tampa site planned for the Lingerie Bowl.

Then, adding insult to injury, the event's organizers announced the game would be played instead at a nudist resort in Pasco County.

Oh, the indignity.

Some of the players quit last week. The reason, at least in part, was because the game had been moved to Caliente.

"I don't have anything against the lifestyle," quarterback Reby Sky of Temple Terrace told the St. Petersburg Times' Emily Nipps. "But we as players were having a hard enough time dealing with and defending against the negative stigmas and stereotypes associated with the sport and playing attire before it was announced we would be playing at a nudist resort."

They ask people to pay to watch them play football in uniforms that make Victoria's Secret and Frederick's of Hollywood proud, yet they are worried about their image?

And now the game has been canned amid a dispute with Caliente over the amount of coverage. Seems the league wanted more, especially for spectators, while the resort wanted less.

"Caliente is a luxury clothing-optional resort," Angye Fox, a spokeswoman for Caliente Resorts, said in a statement. "We ran into conflicts with the Lingerie Football League wanting more areas of our resort restricted to clothing-required then we could accommodate."

Lingerie Football League spokesman Stephon McMillen said, "The league will not place our fans, players, staff nor partners in a less than comfortable environment that would ultimately jeopardize the mainstream perception and reputation of the brand that so many have worked diligently over these past five years to build."

A league that sells the idea of lingerie-clad women playing football is worried about too much skin. And women who tackle each other while wearing helmets, bras and panties are worried about their image.

That kind of logic earns the Lingerie Football League and its players the championship as we look back on some of the wackiest news of the past two months. Here are some of the candidates that lost out to the lovelies in lace.

• The CIA is using a new weapon in Afghanistan, according to the Washington Post. It seems money and guns are often not enough of a bribe when asking tribal chieftans for information on the Taliban. The Post described a situation in which a CIA officer encountered an elderly chief with four young wives. The officer handed over four Viagra pills.

"Take one of these. You'll love it," the officer said, according to the Post. The officer returned a few days later to an enthusiastic reception. "He came up to us beaming. He said, 'You are a great man.' And after that we could do whatever we wanted in his area." The grinning chief provided a wealth of information about the Taliban — and asked for more little blue pills.

• The partial collapse of a gas station awning in Arizona was blamed on a proliferation of pigeon poop. A sheriff's official told the Associated Press that 4 to 5 inches of poop had piled up on the awning. The official said recent rains probably soaked the poop, adding poundage to the pile.

• The Associated Press reported in December that a 60-year-old retired teacher in New York was hit with a $115 ticket for double parking — while delivering Christmas toys and candy to children. The man, dressed as Santa, was in a horse-drawn carriage, and an SUV that carried the presents was double parked alongside to protect the carriage from traffic. Santa says he pointed out that the SUV wasn't blocking traffic, but "this grinch just went ahead and fined me."

• Fame hasn't been good for China's most popular animal. A pig earned that honor in December, after it survived for more than a month in the rubble of the earthquake that hit China in May. But since earning the title, Reuters reports, the pig has "gotten fatter and lazier by the day," according to a staffer who cares for the animal. "We used to take it out for a walk every morning and afternoon, but it's too lazy — and too fat — to do it."

The formerly friendly pig is also getting fed up with visitors. "Now it just blocks the door to its bedroom when there are too many visitors outside. It's been increasingly difficult for us to convince it to open the door."

• It's a good thing Knut the polar bear likes his solitude. When a man jumped into a water-filled ditch in the bear's compound at a German zoo, handlers distracted Knut with a leg of beef. The Associated Press reported that the man, who at first refused to leave the enclosure, told police he was lonely — and that the bear looked lonely too.

• French authorities smashed a dastardly international counterfeiting ring in December, seizing more than 10 tons of fakes worth more than $300,000. In the 33,000 boxes that arrived by truck from Turkey? Fake Ferrero Rochers. The Italian company that makes the candies tested the coconut-filled dark chocolate and milk chocolate balls and confirmed they were "low-quality copies," the Associated Press reported. The gendarmes had the bon bons destroyed, but imagine if it had been doughnuts.

• In New Bedford, Mass., a man who probably didn't attend one of the state's revered institutions of higher learning decided to use a blow torch to thaw ice on the back porch of his home. The ice melted — but the wood frame house and its vinyl siding caught fire, damaging apartments on the second and third floors to the tune of $30,000, the Associated Press reported. The guy's story? Priceless.

• Criminal geniuses are few and far between, but there are plenty of stupid crooks out there. A bank robber in Chicago handed a teller a note demanding money and fled with about $400. His misstep, according to the Associated Press? He left part of his note with the teller and the rest of it outside. Seems it was written on the back of his pay stub.

• Then there are the smart crooks, who always seem to get away. The manager of a Murray, Utah, grocery store tried to take a bite out of crime when a surveillance camera caught a shoplifter in the act, the Associated Press reported. This mutt of a thief walked into the store and went right to aisle 16, where the dog food is kept. He grabbed a dog bone worth $2.79 and brazenly strutted toward the front door. The manager stopped him.

"I looked at him. I said, 'Drop it!' " the manager recalled. "He looked at me, and I looked at him, and he ran for the door and away he went, right out the front door."

The dog hasn't been seen since.

Times staff writer Kyle Kreiger writes about the serious and silly with one question in mind: Why? He can be reached at kreiger@sptimes.com. To read previous rants, click on his name at the top of this column.

Lingerie Bowl, Viagra bribes and pigeon poo 01/26/09 [Last modified: Tuesday, January 27, 2009 2:53pm]

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