My marketing department has been dropping the ball.
My public relations people need to get on the stick.
If I had an agent I'd be chewing him out right now.
Why don't I have a month?
The Why's Guy Appreciation Month.
But I'd settle for a week. In a pinch I'd take a day.
Because everyone else has one. What started as a way to draw attention to important causes has morphed into just another corporate marketing tool. So if it's good enough for bikinis (July), Jell-O (a week in February) and boom boxes (July 4), it's good enough for me.
The tough part is finding a good spot — the calendar is crowded. Here are some of my favorites.
January: It's National Hot Tea Awareness Month. Teausa.com wants us to know that "Recent research findings have reported that drinking black tea may improve the body's defenses and quicken the response to bacteria and viruses — giving people more of a reason to brew themselves a hot cup of tea this January in celebration of National Hot Tea Month — and possibly ward off pesky germs." Mmmm. All this talk of bacteria, viruses and germs makes me want tea.
February: Marijuana Awareness Month and National Condom Month share this one. Coincidence? I think not.
March: It's Adopt a Rescued Guinea Pig Month. It's also International Ideas Month, which gives me an idea. Do away with Adopt a Rescued Guinea Pig Month.
April: The home of Earth Day is also Copyright Awareness Month. "During Copyright Awareness Month, copyright experts and educators throughout the country will seek to teach people about the basic purpose of copyright as articulated in our Constitution — to promote the advancement of the arts by providing creators with the exclusive rights to their works for limited terms. A public that has a basic understanding of copyright law and its relationship to the arts . . . is far more likely to respect and comply with the law, than one that functions on misinformation."
Because I always obey copyright laws (and I don't want to be sued) I must tell you that is from the American Intellectual Property Law Association Web site.
May: It's time to stand tall (Correct Posture Month) while enjoying a thick, juicy burger (National Hamburger Month) smothered with garlic mustard (yep, Garlic Mustard Awareness Month). Do we need to promote garlic mustard? Isn't it self-evident to anyone with a nose?
June: It's time to go hog wild during European Hedgehog Awareness Month. And if that doesn't give you goose bumps, the folks celebrating National Accordion Awareness Month will provide music for the party.
July: This all-American month brings loads of Mom and apple pie, as long as you like hot dogs (National Hot Dog Month) on the grill (National Grilling Month) with ice cream (National Ice Cream Month) for dessert. Throw in Air-Conditioning Appreciation Days and it's obvious why we set off fireworks.
August: I'm sure I don't have to remind psychics this is their time to celebrate.
September: Chicken, potatoes, honey and mushrooms all on the menu during — yes, it's true — Shameless Promotion Month. For those who don't find my work riveting, remember, it's Be Kind to Editors and Writers Month.
October: It's time to stock up on popcorn and sausage, but Floridians will find it's a little late for Window Covering Safety Month. In an odd pairing it's both Raptor Month and Squirrel Awareness Month, but I suspect the raptors would make sausage out of the squirrels.
November: I wish I didn't have to wait until November for I Am So Thankful Month, because I am so thankful right now that someone made my job easy by thinking up this nonsense.
December: There's no silliness on this page of the calendar. Obviously the corporate marketing gurus don't want to sully the holiday season with silly commercialism.
But the best day of all is Oct. 17. If I ever author a bad column, I can wait until that glorious day and give it another try.
That's Mulligan Day, when we all get a do-over.
Maybe the corporate marketing types can take advantage.
Times staff writer Kyle Kreiger rants about the serious and silly with one question in mind: Why? To read previous columns, click on his name at the top of this column. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.