Juice*y Person of the Year
By now, loyal Juice*heads know the key to winning this award is demonstrating outstanding achievement in reflecting the zeitgeist of an entire year, of providing a baseline of popular culture and then doing a Fosbury Flop right over that sucker. And truly, in our five years of handing out this no-prize, no one has better demonstrated the sorry state of whom our society deems entertaining than Carlos Estevez, a.k.a. Charlie Sheen.
Starring on a runaway hit TV show of mediocre quality? Check. Making obscene amounts of cash for starring on said show? Check. Divorcing a spouse just as crazy as you are? Check. Battling an out-of-control drug addiction that proves playing your show's character isn't so much acting as it is channeling yourself? Check. Then suffering an emotional meltdown in a very public manner and throwing it all away? Check, check and check, please.
It all started when production of Two and a Half Men shut down in January, midway through its season, while Sheen went to rehab for the third time in a year. Show creator Chuck Lorre had Charlie's best interests at heart, but then Sheen started bad-mouthing both his boss and his show and demanding a 50-percent raise, despite the fact he was making a galling $1.8 million per episode. Needless to say, the season was canceled and Charlie's character ended up being killed off and replaced with Ashton Kutcher. Yes, Lorre was that desperate.
Sheen, meanwhile, became the driving force behind his own meta-legend: He joined Twitter, gaining followers at breakneck speed as he parlayed a jumbled interview into daily catchphrases like "Adonis DNA," "Winning!" and "tiger blood." He had two former porn actresses referred to as "goddesses" move in with him to replace ex-wife Brooke Mueller (whom he tried to stab over Christmas two years ago, as you may recall), but even they had enough of him by June and moved out. Apparently the drug called Charlie Sheen was wearing off.
In the interim, he embarked on a series of live stage shows dubbed the My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not An Option tour, selling tickets to lookie-loos so quickly you'd think it was required viewing in 12-step programs. But then a funny thing happened: All those people who wanted to gawk at a man on a one-way ride to the funny farm went to those shows and realized it wasn't all that funny watching someone self-destruct on stage. The tour fizzled after numerous demands for refunds and angry outbursts from audiences. By August, even an appearance at the Gathering of the Juggaloes only netted him a few bottles being chucked at his head.
So Charlie did what any person coming down off a rehab-fueled adrenaline high would do: He apologized on stage at the Emmys, gave some money to charity, started selling e-cigarettes called NicoSheen, admitted if he were Chuck Lorre he'd have fired himself, too, bailed his ex-wife out of jail for a cocaine arrest he had nothing to do with, and started development on a new TV pilot. By the time Anger Management (based on the 2003 Jack Nicholson movie of the same name) debuts on FX in the summer, we'll all have forgotten about Charlie's crazy 2011. And that's just the way America likes it.
'Just say no' Award
Here's a photo, left, of talented and quite pretty Amy Winehouse in 2004, and then one of her disheveled, scrawny and delusional at the height of her drug use three years ago. She was found dead in her London home in July, and despite her father Mitch swearing she was clean after numerous stints in rehab, an autopsy found her blood-alcohol level was five times the legal driving limit — enough to prove the term "potentially fatal" isn't just to scare teenagers at prom. We can only hope this sad tale will prevent any future celebrity tragedies, but we're not betting on it.
Here We Go Again Award
Lindsay Lohan went to jail for the fifth time, this time for violating her probation for stealing a necklace. She was sentenced to 30 days. She served 41?2 hours. Now there's talk of her probation ending early. Tells us again, why can't she get work in the Linda Lovelace biopic? She seems to be doing a really good job of method acting.
Of Course It's Florida Award
Over the course of the year's ups and downs, there was one constant: Nude photos of celebrities who still haven't learned fame equals no privacy. Pics of stars like Mila Kunis, Blake Lively and Vanessa Hudgens in the buff showed up here and there, but it wasn't until Scarlett Johansson's photos hit the Web in September that the FBI cracked down after a yearlong investigation. Jacksonville resident Christopher Chaney was charged with 26 counts of unauthorized access to a computer, identity theft and wiretapping for swiping photos of more than 50 women by hacking into their email accounts (although it appears he didn't make any money selling off the pics in question). Other victims include Christina Aguilera, Renee Olstead and celebrity stylist Simone Harouche. Chaney faces a maximum of 121 years in prison, so he pleaded not guilty, natch. Because at this point, why admit it?
Tay Zonday Memorial Internet Sensation Award
It's one thing if you make a YouTube video of you singing a song knowing full well you can't really sing. It's another when you are so blinded by your perception of your talent that you don't realize everyone's making fun of you. Rebecca Black, at the tender age of 14, created the off-key viral video of 2011 with her song Friday, a vanity single produced by ARK Music Factory that included in-house, completely nonsensical lyrics, bare-bones music accompaniment and a video that featured a bunch of 'tweeners riding around in a car. Indeed, it included everything but singing lessons, which Black desperately needed. That didn't keep the video from reaching in excess of 180 million views on YouTube, even when ARK sued for rights to the suddenly famous hit and the original was taken down for weeks. The downside is that a 14-year-old girl was exposed to the ridicule of the blogosphere. Somewhere along the line Black's mother decided to fund another single, Person of Interest, despite the negative reception of her first effort, which was so bad she allegedly dropped out of school because of the bullying. She's having the last laugh, though, because not only is she resilient enough to take worldwide drubbing, her song is selling on iTunes (as a joke or not) and Friday ended up being covered on Glee. Take that, Kim Kardashian.
Honey, I Fathered a Kid Award
While we'd like to give this one to last year's Juice*y Person of the Year Justin Bieber for allegedly having fathered a child after hooking up with a fan four years his senior during a 30-second interlude at L.A.'s Staples Center, that case hasn't been legally proven yet, so we'll be going with the Governator himself being caught sticking more than his hand in the cookie jar. Mildred Patricia Baena was housekeeper to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver for 20 years starting in 1991. She and Maria joked and laughed and had a ball about being moms together in 1997 when both of them became pregnant. They shared more than a due date however, because while Maria gave birth to son Christopher on Sept. 27, Mildred bore a son a mere five days later and named then-husband Rogello de Jesus Pena. Problem was, as we now know, the kid's dad was Arnie, the result of a brief round of tipping-the-maid gone awry. The rest is history: Shriver and Arnold split on May 9, two weeks after supposedly celebrating their 25th anniversary together. The amazing part is, in the nearly 14 ensuing years that Baena worked for the couple (and we saw photos of the kid, which tbt* won't publish because he's a minor), nobody noticed the resemblance.
Things that go bump on TV Award
While Nicole Kidman announced a surrogate mom had given her and Keith Urban a baby daughter, and Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon showed off newborn twins Morocco and Monroe, the truly in-your-face baby moment of the year was courtesy of Beyonce Knowles, mostly because we still don't know if it's true. While Honey Bee ended a performance of Love on Top at August's MTV Video Music Awards by pulling open a purple sequined tuxedo jacket and rubbing her paneled maternity pants, the Internet seized the opportunity to cast doubt on the bun she and Jay-Z put in the oven. An odd bend in her wardrobe during a talk show appearance proved to conspiracy theorists that Bebe was obviously wearing a fat suit, and she must have hired a surrogate like Kidman to fool people into thinking she was having a baby while not ruining her figure with a pesky pregnancy. That's what we read, anyway. The best part of this rumor? As far as the disbelievers are concerned, there's no way to prove their theory is wrong.
Fashion disaster of the year
What's worse than getting fired from your job for making bigoted statements? Getting fired from a job with your own name on it. After you said you love Adolf Hitler and think Jews should be put in ovens. Yeah, that's pretty bad. And that's why fashion designer John Galliano was fired by Dior in February after he was arrested in Paris saying horrible things like "I love Hitler; Your mother, your forefathers would be f---ing gassed and f---ing dead" at a bar to people holding a video camera. In case you didn't think that was dumb enough, the drunkard (who later went off to rehab) had been arrested the previous October for doing the same thing, which violates hate-speech laws in France. It took a couple more weeks, but Dior then bounced Galliano from his own namesake label, prompting an apology from John that was so loosely defined it made O.J. Simpson look contrite. He denied the claims against him, which is his right, but looked pretty dumb, given the video of the entire event published by Britain's Sun. As collateral damage from all this, Miss Dior Cherie perfume spokeswoman Natalie Portman announced her refusal to work with the brand, what with her being born in Israel and all. He's sorry you're offended, too, Nat.
Big Divorces, Little Surprise Award
J.Lo & Marc, Ashton & Demi, Kim & Kris
It was a regular trifecta of big divorces this year, with Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony calling it quits after seven years and two twins, ruining office pools. Plenty of speculation back when Max and Emma were born in 2008 postulated J.Lo would kick Marc to the curb almost immediately, but they held on. That isn't keeping them from working together, however, as they've been touring Latin America both separately and together to shoot their new reality show/talent search, Q'Viva: The Chosen. They were upstaged by Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, who managed to flame out in spectacular fashion. People had been saying for years that Kutcher would get tired of being married to a woman 16 years his senior, but they managed to make it long enough for the That '70s Show alum to wait until the night of their sixth anniversary to cheat on Demi with some drunken floozy. The big winners — or losers, depending how you look at it — were Kim Kardashian and her NBA baller hubby, Kris Humphries. While she struck a deal with Ryan Seacrest to score some $20 million worth of goods and services for a televised wedding, it took the couple 72 days before she filed for divorce. We've had laundry sit in the hamper longer than that. Kris considered filing a fraud suit against his estranged wife, saying she tricked him into aiding and abetting a reality show scam for cheap fame, but really, hasn't she done that to all of us?
our 5th year!