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Tell Me About It: Connecting with nephew will take effort

 
Published March 13, 2018

Q: My family has never been particularly close, emotionally. I have only one sibling, an older sister, who lived nearby until she retired elsewhere about four years ago.

She has one son, who is married and has an adorable young daughter, whom we've met, and they live out of state. We were actually pretty close when he was young, and he has always seemed fond of me, calling on holidays and sharing many pictures and videos of his daughter.

Because I want to maintain some sort of connection with my nephew and his family I began remembering birthdays and Christmas with a check. I just want them to know I care.

Here's the puzzle: Each time I've sent a check it has taken months to be cashed. Finally I said, "Duh! They don't want/need your money. Stop!" So I included just a cheerful note full of love on their last card.

Was my "Duh!" moment the truth? Should I just keep sending cards with "love you!" messages?

Puzzled Aunt

A: I think you're right that the checks aren't meaningful to them, at least not in the way you intend. That's fine.

Instead of just sending cards minus the checks, though, I hope you'll rethink your strategy with your family.

Make contributions in their daughter's name to a tax-deferred education account. They could be affluent enough not to feel much of an effect from, say, $100 on their birthdays, but when it grows into several thousand at tuition time, then you could be Auntie of the Year.

That just leaves connection, which is of course where your family struggles most.

It's going to take more of what did work with you two when he was young. Presence.

You can find out if he would encourage more of your presence by taking the steps that make sense on your end, like inviting him to spend a holiday with you — or just calling him occasionally.