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Tell Me About It: Daughter needs an ear, not to be rescued

 
Published Feb. 14, 2018

Q: My daughter is in a relationship with her high school boyfriend. They are now living together in a different state with no relatives nearby. My daughter, 25, is a people person with a bubbly personality and makes friends easily. Her boyfriend does not. He prefers to stay home, work every now and then, and stay up all night playing video games online with other gamers.

She is a hard worker with a very well-paying job and owns her own home. However, she comes home to this situation.

In fact, when they are home together, there is no communication because he is doing his "own" thing while she just sits and becomes depressed. He tells her to go out with friends but she feels guilty and refuses.

I am going for a visit soon and want to talk to her about everything. Please advise me how to start the conversation.

Frustrated Mom

A: Your daughter has agency. She's merely squandering it alone in a chair feeling sorry for herself while the man she incompatibly clings to plays video games.

That's a problem, certainly — it's just a very different one from the one you're itching to rescue your daughter from.

It's also a rescue only she can perform. There's a good chance she'll do that in her own time.

There's also a good chance, though, this "aha" moment will strike her only after she's even more deeply invested than she is now — through marriage, a jointly owned home, a child.

So there can be a role for someone like you. You just need to play this role with great care not to pin everything on the boyfriend.

Respond to any unhappiness you perceive in her only as it relates to her. "You don't seem happy about [factual statement]." Or, "Is something bothering you?" And always: "I see. Any ideas for dealing with that?" No lectures, no advice unless asked.

The best way to "start the conversation" is with your mouth closed and your eyes and ears open.