Tell Me About It: Making hard decisions after spouse’s affair

Published February 12 2018

Q: I found out a month and a half ago that my husband had a brief affair with a co-worker. Weíre in counseling now, and weíve identified the reasons that led to the affair and are working on how to fix those things.

Iím not sure I want to stay with him. I certainly donít like him right now because of what he did, and Iím not sure I love him anymore either. Iíve stayed so far because we have a young son, and I want to protect our son.

Iíve been able to pretend to be happy, and even sometimes be happy. How am I going to know whether to stay or go? Overall my husband is a great father and a decent guy.

Stay or Go

A: Sometimes it takes time to know what you want. Thatís OK.

Itís also OK, if you think youíre at that point, to make this decision while separated. (He moves out, though, not you ó and you talk to a lawyer before you make any moves because mistakes can burn you later.)

While itís good and important to protect your son, there are multiple ways to do that ó and many different things to protect your son from, too. One of them is having his parents divorce, yes, but another is to grow up with two parents in a loveless or high-conflict marriage.

So, again ó take your time, but also keep your mind open to the idea that thereís no one outcome thatís best for your son.

Anonymous: My heart goes out to you. I was in the exact situation as you several years ago ó affair with co-worker, young child in the mix. I am so sorry.

You may want to consider asking him to look for a new job. My spouse stayed at his job, as did his affair partner, and it has made for some challenging circumstances over the years.

You will get through this in time and the answer will become more clear.