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Tell Me About It: Self-awareness best way to break bad habit

 
Published Nov. 28, 2017

Self-awareness best way to break bad habit

Q: I recently had a friend tell me that I have become arrogant since I entered a new career in which there's a culture of snobbery and one-upping.

I was defensive, and would really have liked to believe she was wrong. However, replaying some of our recent conversations — and some I've had with other people who haven't pointed anything like this out — I cringe to realize I have become the sort of person who talks about work to people who haven't asked, and sometimes says things that could come off as bragging to people who aren't doing as well.

How does one unlearn these behaviors? I believe this is probably getting in the way of a lot of my social goals, like finding a partner, and that it will probably eventually cause my career to plateau as well. Also, I have both apologized to and thanked this friend — do I need to do the same for the other people in my life?

NYC

A: I don't think so. Just make an effort to see those recently bragged-at friends and bring your former — and future — humility along with you.

You ask for a way to "unlearn these behaviors," but it seems to me that self-awareness is the way. You know what you have done, and you know it's not good. Maybe even more important, you "cringe" — which means you haven't just recognized your mistake, you feel it.

Basic self-coaching is easy to forget — like, "Remember to ask Kate how her mom is doing" — but do we ever really forget feeling ashamed, the sick epiphany of having made fools of ourselves? I'd be surprised if a little trace of that memory didn't come out with you from now on and in perpetuity, stuck to you like a shadow, reminding you to keep yourself in check.

Though a name-dropping shock-collar would have fit right into a SkyMall catalogue.