Wife feels guilty for prioritizing her career
Q: I have this job. I really, really love this job. Sometimes I resent how consuming this job is, but I do love it.
My husband stays home with our toddler, which works well.
We had been planning to try to get pregnant again next month. But some work deadlines shifted, and from a work perspective it’s suddenly better to wait a few more months. Just "to maximize my performance" better.
So, part of me wants to wait. It’s just a couple of months, right?
But another part feels guilty and ashamed for prioritizing work ahead of family .?.?. and I know for sure my husband will resent having to wait.
Yes, I do know nobody can ever really plan these things — we might start trying next month and try for a year. Still, I gotta decide. Any suggestions for an approach?
A: It is just a couple of months, yes, and it’s better for all of you not to be stressed — so wait.
And, at the same time, address your husband’s resentment and your choices as a couple.
When you’ve reached the point of "guilty and ashamed" — not over a trivial 60 or 90 days or whatever you’d be waiting, but instead over who you are — that’s your hint that you’re overdue to get stuff aired and figured out. You love your job, you care about maximizing your performance. This isn’t stuff you should be apologizing for or fretting about admitting to your life partner. It’s you.
Instead, you need to own these things and work with your husband on how they come to bear on his quality of life, how you plan your family, how you and he divide the domestic workload.
Someone who does feel invested as a full partner, however you divide the responsibilities, is not going to feel resentful over something so minor as pulling the goalie Feb. 1 instead of Nov. 1.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with a household running around any particular thing. What matters is that the family co-chairs agree on how things are run.