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Tell Me About It: Wife won't let stepmother be a Grandma

 
Published Nov. 21, 2017

Wife won't let stepmother be a Grandma

Q: Both of my parents are deceased, and my father remarried after my mother passed. I have not always had a great relationship with my stepmother but it has grown to one of mutual respect and understanding.

My issue is that my wife does not want "that woman" to be called Grandma by our two children, who are both still under 2. I want to be able to respect my spouse's wishes and have asked for a reason but have not gotten any real response beyond, "She's not your mother," and, "We don't want to equate her with my parents."

My reasoning is: 1) It would really hurt her to be told we won't call her that, and 2) It's just a freakin' name!!!

So far I have put my foot down. My wife says I am choosing my stepmother over her. Help.

Anonymous

A: That choosing-your-stepmother-over-her charge she lobbed at you is not only emotional blackmail, but it's also batnuts enough to suggest the latter — that there's some history to your wife's Grandma fixation. Still, simple dislike could certainly suffice.

It's actually easy to dodge the name issue, though, verging on ridiculously so; countless beloved grandmas are called something other than Grandma.

Toddler mispronunciations, meanwhile, are a cottage industry when it comes to producing family nicknames.

So figure something out.

And in doing so, save your energy for whatever the bigger issue is behind your wife's startling contempt. One way to pry it out is by agreeing with your wife: "You're right. She's not my mother."

And then don't lobby against your wife (or for your stepmother, even) so much as you lobby for love and inclusion: "But she matters to me"; or, "She's the only parent I've got left."

And/or: "I see her as another person in the world to love our kids."

And: "Whenever you're ready to talk about why you feel so strongly about this, I'm ready to listen."