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2112421 2038-01-18 05:00:00.0 UTC 2038-01-18T00:00:00.000-05:00 2013-04-03 08:30:00.0 UTC 2013-04-03T04:30:00.000-04:00 abusive-parents-are-worst-kind-of-bullies published 2013-04-02 14:29:26.0 UTC 2013-04-02T10:29:26.000-04:00 features/relationships DTI 104949693 While I'm away, readers give the advice. On abusive parents who cover their tracks: My mother created a public persona to our community and church of a sweet, giving, loving, tender mother. This was a facade for the vicious, verbally, emotionally and physically abusive person she was and remains, albeit slowed and mellowed a bit by age. Two of her six children died prematurely due to alcoholism from the abuse that fractured their psyches. I moved 750 miles away so I'm not caught having to be involved. I've chosen silence. I've already made it clear I will not speak at her service and while I will be there out of respect for the family, that's about it. Anonymous II I am the daughter of a father who was a cruel bully. It took me decades to figure out how to deal with him but when I was around 40, I finally realized I could cut him off if he spoke to me in a disparaging way. I wrote out a list of possible responses and put them by the phone so that I was ready to say, "I will not allow you to speak to me like that" and "If you can't speak to me respectfully, I will end this conversation." It doesn't matter if the abusive parent agrees with you — he almost certainly won't — but standing up to him will help you win your self-respect. Work on a simple statement: "While you can still hear me, I want you to know that you created an unhappy family and I repudiate your disparaging, cruel and selfish behavior toward me. Your conduct has been shameful." Bullies depend on intimidation; don't let them get away with it. You can hold them accountable. Been There On a loved one's death that's "not about you": I was 24 when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was sobbing in my parents' kitchen when my mom turned to me and said, "Stop that. He's the one dying, not you." She said it lovingly, quietly and softly and she was right. Sad as I was to lose him, it is still one of my most cherished memories to have been quietly by his side, telling him how much he was loved, as he took his last, serene breath. Fast forward to 2008 when my best friend of over 40 years, who consoled me when my dad passed, lay dying in her home after a 10-year battle with cancer. I knew it was our last visit together, and I began to cry and made the totally selfish comment that here was my best friend, dying of cancer. (Boo hoo — poor ME.) She turned her head, which was no small effort, and said, "I'm not dying of cancer. I've been living WITH cancer." She was right, too. She died the next day. When my time comes, I hope I have the presence of mind to be kind to those who may be more upset over what they are losing (me) than what I am losing (life). All the wailing and crying won't bring anyone back and it may ruin the opportunity you have to be there, strong and loving, to help them pass from this world with dignity and peace. By Carolyn Hax, Washington Post Features, Relationships Abusive parents are worst kind of bullies F Baylink AP DATASTREAM TEST 5 Washington Post Writers Group Bl_hax040413 2013-04-04 04:00:00.0 UTC 2013-04-04T00:00:00.000-04:00 false templatedata/tampabaytimes/StaffArticle/data/2013/04/03/104949693-abusive-parents-are-worst-kind-of-bullies StaffArticle features,relationshipsRelationshipsWhile I'm away, readers give the advice.On abusive parents who cover their tracks:Features, RelationshipsFeatures, Relationships<span style="display:none;" class="author vcard"><span class="fn">CAROLYN HAX</span></span><span style="display:none;" class="source-org vcard"><span class="org fn">Washington Post Writers Group</span></span><a rel="item-license" href="http://www.ap.org/company/Terms-conditions" id="license-2112421">Copyright: For copyright information, please check with the distributor of this item, Washington Post Writers Group.</a>Washington Post Writers Group 2266544 2016-03-04 01:00:00.0 UTC 6 Months Ago tell-me-about-it-daughter-is-bullied-into-visiting-grandma features/relationships Tell Me About It: Daughter is bullied into visiting Grandma StaffArticle 2268592 2016-03-18 01:00:00.0 UTC 5 Months Ago tell-me-about-it-readers-advise-on-bullying-and-more features/relationships Tell Me About It: Readers advise on bullying and more StaffArticle 2262704 2016-01-25 20:52:35.0 UTC 7 Months Ago service-dog-eases-teens-ptsd-from-bullying features/pets Service dog eases teen's PTSD from bullying StaffArticle <p>While I'm away, readers give the advice.</p> <p><b>On abusive parents who cover their tracks:</b></p> <p>My mother created a public persona to our community and church of a sweet, giving, loving, tender mother. This was a facade for the vicious, verbally, emotionally and physically abusive person she was and remains, albeit slowed and mellowed a bit by age. Two of her six children died prematurely due to alcoholism from the abuse that fractured their psyches.</p> <p>I moved 750 miles away so I'm not caught having to be involved. I've chosen silence.</p> <p>I've already made it clear I will not speak at her service and while I will be there out of respect for the family, that's about it.</p> <p>Anonymous II</p> <p>I am the daughter of a father who was a cruel bully. It took me decades to figure out how to deal with him but when I was around 40, I finally realized I could cut him off if he spoke to me in a disparaging way. I wrote out a list of possible responses and put them by the phone so that I was ready to say, &quot;I will not allow you to speak to me like that&quot; and &quot;If you can't speak to me respectfully, I will end this conversation.&quot;</p> <p>It doesn't matter if the abusive parent agrees with you — he almost certainly won't — but standing up to him will help you win your self-respect. Work on a simple statement: &quot;While you can still hear me, I want you to know that you created an unhappy family and I repudiate your disparaging, cruel and selfish behavior toward me. Your conduct has been shameful.&quot;</p> <p>Bullies depend on intimidation; don't let them get away with it. You can hold them accountable.</p> <p>Been There</p> <p><b>On a loved one's death that's &quot;not about you&quot;:</b></p> <p>I was 24 when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was sobbing in my parents' kitchen when my mom turned to me and said, &quot;Stop that. He's the one dying, not you.&quot; She said it lovingly, quietly and softly and she was right. Sad as I was to lose him, it is still one of my most cherished memories to have been quietly by his side, telling him how much he was loved, as he took his last, serene breath.</p> <p>Fast forward to 2008 when my best friend of over 40 years, who consoled me when my dad passed, lay dying in her home after a 10-year battle with cancer. I knew it was our last visit together, and I began to cry and made the totally selfish comment that here was my best friend, dying of cancer. (Boo hoo — poor ME.) She turned her head, which was no small effort, and said, &quot;I'm not dying of cancer. I've been living WITH cancer.&quot; She was right, too. She died the next day.</p> <p>When my time comes, I hope I have the presence of mind to be kind to those who may be more upset over what they are losing (me) than what I am losing (life). All the wailing and crying won't bring anyone back and it may ruin the opportunity you have to be there, strong and loving, to help them pass from this world with dignity and peace.</p> <p></p>trueruntime2016-08-30 05:14:06