Clear71° WeatherClear71° Weather

Abusive vs. nice guy debate gives away he's not so nice

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Abusive vs. nice guy debate gives away he's not so nice

D.C.: If a woman has dated both "nice" guys and abusive guys, how come you'll find out that in just about every case, her longest relationships have been with the abusive guys? Why do so many women require some form of drama to remain entertained in a relationship, and do you find this to be childish behavior?

Carolyn: Not as childish as attributing this just to women as opposed to people; lumping all women as opposed to addressing only the ones who have similar circumstances; and blaming the victims instead of the abusers.

Besides that, I'm right there with you.

If you're male, and if you're angry that women aren't receptive to you when you see yourself as a "nice" guy, and you believe these women are instead receptive to abusive guys, then maybe it would be productive to consider that you're harboring attitudes about women (and men, for that matter) that aren't really "nice" at all.

D.C. again: So you're saying there's no segment of women who require drama to be entertained, and I have an attitude problem for disliking drama? Again, when you confront a woman who has been in abusive relationships, why are their abusive relationships the longest relationships they have? You'd think the relationship with non-abusive men would be longer, right?

Carolyn: Not if you know anything about abusive relationships. If they were easy to resist and easy to leave, nobody would have them. And if you don't see that men get involved with abusive women, and stay with them long past the point of reason, then you're not looking for information, you're looking to score points.

Anonymous: I believe Mr. D.C. suffers from what I like to term Nice Guy Syndrome. Because he's busy making generalizations about women as a monolithic unit, I feel comfortable making generalizations about people like him.

Guys who label themselves as "Nice Guys" and then complain about women are just as manipulative as any abuser. And they aren't nice at all. They are especially un-nice to women who, they somehow believe, owe the Nice Guy something (attention, friendship, sex) for simply being "nice."

Sorry, Mr. D.C., no woman owes you anything. If you were an actual nice guy, you would not be making generalizations about women, would not be bitter, would have more self-confidence and, perhaps most of all, would see women as fellow human beings instead of some subspecies. Women are in fact human beings and respond quite well to being treated as such.

Carolyn: I received many similar comments, but this one hit the target squarely. Thanks.

And for you, D.C.: Even when a group is associated with a behavior — let's get cartoonish and say men hunt, women gather — that gives you no right to assume automatically that an individual woman you meet is a gatherer. Any given woman can hunt, and any given man can gather. Follow? And since people behave individually, not statistically/stereotypically, blaming any problem you have on several, discrete individuals is automatically suspect. Meaning: Do you have a mirror in your home? Behold, your common denominator.

Abusive vs. nice guy debate gives away he's not so nice 10/06/10 [Last modified: Monday, November 7, 2011 1:20pm]

Copyright: For copyright information, please check with the distributor of this item, Washington Post.
    

Join the discussion: Click to view comments, add yours

Loading...