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Anxious boyfriend can't accept that girlfriend won't commit

Anxious boyfriend can't accept that girlfriend won't commit

Q: I have been dating a wonderful woman for a year, exclusively for six months. We are both 24. Our relationship is built on solid friendship; I love her fully and unconditionally.

I have reached a point in my life where I want to get married and begin a family. She makes me happy on every possible level, and I could not think of a better teammate. Recently we have cooled off physically, and I attribute that to the end of the "honeymoon stage."

I'm sure it is only my self-consciousness, but I fear the cooling down will continue beyond the normal leveling that I expected. I am fully committed to her, and she to me. We trust each other 100 percent. When I make comments about marriage and growing old together, she agrees that she also wants these things. However, when I have suggested that we move in together, she shuts me down.

She spends 90 percent of her time at my place. It makes financial sense, and I believe we would both be happier. She claims she fears judgment from friends and family because we haven't been together long enough to warrant their acceptance.

I find these sentiments to be petty and childish, and that is not her personality. She is the strongest person I know. We are adults. We know what is best for us. I fear she is being less than forthright, but I do not want to accuse her of being deceptive. She has given me no reason to doubt her sincerity to date.

Am I worrying unnecessarily? Or is her hesitation to take the next step in a relationship that has been beautiful and fulfilling from day one a clue that she is not ready for these things?

Worried she won't grow up

A: First: Stop busting her chops about moving in with you. She's not ready. That's fine.

Next: There's a fine line between thinking someone is perfect for you, and needing them to be perfect. It's appreciating someone's good qualities versus refusing to accept the bad ones.

Over that line is where most controlling behavior starts, and it's a fine enough line that people who cross it rarely see when they do.

So please dismantle your pedestals — smash them — and worship the truth instead. She is flawed. You are flawed. The relationship is flawed.

To get you started: Your relationship hasn't been all that since day one; you dated other people for months. Which is fine! And, you don't know what is best for you; you know some things and guess at others, like anyone else. Which is fine! And, she's not the strongest person you know, given her immature living-together response. Which is fine! She's 24, human, and you're not the strongest person you know, either.

And: You don't trust her "100 percent" — which is fine, since absolute trust is fiction — and even you don't believe she makes you happy on every possible level. You're plainly doubting her on legitimate fronts: sex, maturity, maybe even honesty.

The only way you'll be able to weigh those issues rationally is if you accept that pan-happiness doesn't exist. Here or anywhere.

You can't learn who she is if all you do is dance around the issue with "Are you sure?"-type feelers. Again — don't press her to move in. Simply spell out your frustration with her answer and ask what's behind it.

Anxious boyfriend can't accept that girlfriend won't commit 11/05/11 [Last modified: Friday, November 4, 2011 5:23pm]
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