Sunday, November 19, 2017
Parenting & Relationships

Ask pregnant wife about those emails from dating sites

RECOMMENDED READING


Why not ask about emails and give your imagination a rest?

Q: I'm married with a child and another on the way. I've seen a couple of emails on my wife's phone related to dating websites, like eHarmony.com. After a little investigation, it appears that there is no way to sign up to receive those emails without posting some type of profile.

I am suspicious that she is or was out looking for alternatives. I just don't know what to do. Should I approach her or, because I don't know for sure, just let it go? And I don't know what I'd do if she were out there trolling, as it were. Mostly we seem happy and have a good life. I just don't know what to think about it.

Confused

A: Given your (appearance of) happiness and "good life," I suppose I can see why you'd consider letting it go — but how would you un-see what you've seen, and un-think what you've thought?

People do have divergent pain thresholds, and with those come different ideas of what they need and want to know. However, I don't think intimacy is that variable; if you choose to carry on as if nothing happened, then you're essentially deciding to coexist peacefully with your wife, but not be emotionally close to her.

Maybe that distance was there before you caught sight of those emails? If so, that can explain why a pregnant wife might risk said "good life" to look for intimacy somewhere else. It doesn't excuse such a bizarre, selfish and flat-out moronic idea, just explains.

You don't know what you'll do if you find she's being unfaithful, and that's normal. It just means you need to give deliberate thought to what you want out of your marriage. If you're content to get along superficially, or, alternately, if you're comfortable with a lot of lumps in your marital oatmeal, then you're one of the people suited to looking the other way. I won't say they're rare — I think more of us are like that than care to admit it. It's just that the ones who do it without denial, with their eyes open to the inherent risk of getting hit hard someday down the road, are indeed an unusual breed.

If you aren't a roll-with-it risk-taker, and just want to know what's going on with your wife, want to be close, want to raise kids with a full emotional partner, and want these things knowing you don't have any say in the outcome beyond what you bring to your 50 percent, then open your mind and confront this thing.

Specifically: Tell your wife that you saw these emails and that asking her what they're about makes more sense than letting your imagination churn up ideas, which it has been doing a lot of lately. Maybe it'll be that simple.

If it isn't — if she balks, strains credulity or turns it on you — then tell her this: That you'd rather have her just tell you what she's thinking and feeling than worry how you'll react when you hear it. It doesn't make sense, after all, for either of you to look ahead to cleanup or repairs till you both know what problems you face.

Comments
With Harry Potterís Christmas, Universal Orlando proves holidays are big business

With Harry Potterís Christmas, Universal Orlando proves holidays are big business

ORLANDO ó Christmas has finally come to Hogwarts at Universal Orlando in a new holiday attraction opening Saturday. In addition, Universal Studios has completely upsized its holiday parade with more Macyís balloons, stunning floats and snowy effects ...
Published: 11/17/17
First look: Harry Potterís Christmas finally arrives at Universal Orlando

First look: Harry Potterís Christmas finally arrives at Universal Orlando

Christmas has finally come to Hogwarts at Universal Orlando, with the promise of warm butterbeer, a Frog Choir singing carols and a magical light show projected onto Hogwarts Castle nightly followed by fireworks. It opens to the public on Saturday. C...
Published: 11/17/17

Tell Me About It: Momís stroke threatens plans for children

Momís stroke threatens plans for childrenQ: Recently you gave advice about how itís "never the perfect time to have a baby," and thatís true, but does the calculation change any if youíre planning to be a single mom?Iím 36 and a year ago I broke up w...
Published: 11/17/17

Tell Me About It: Wife uses silent treatment to be cruel

Wife uses silent treatment to be cruelQ: My wife is a wonderfully sensible person and appropriately sensitive. She is the oldest of three sisters and often feels left out. The age and geographical distance make it understandable that her two sisters ...
Published: 11/16/17

Tell Me About It: Woman takes momís advice the wrong way

Woman takes momís advice the wrong wayQ: I was laid off recently from a job of 15 years. My confidence took a blow.When I told my mom, she said, "Hurry up and update your resume. And donít forget to add your Employee of the Year award." I had of cour...
Published: 11/15/17
5 under $5: Sand sculptors, free ice skating, Pinellas Trail performances

5 under $5: Sand sculptors, free ice skating, Pinellas Trail performances

1Sanding Ovations: This annual Treasure Island sand sculpting competition brings master sculptors working in 150 tons of sand. This year artists come from Ireland, the Netherlands, Singapore, Russia, Lithuania, Canada and the United States. An adjac...
Published: 11/15/17
Weekend fun: St. Pete Beach BikeFest, Chillounge Night, Christmas at Universal, Busch Gardens

Weekend fun: St. Pete Beach BikeFest, Chillounge Night, Christmas at Universal, Busch Gardens

BIG WHEELS: St. Pete Beach BikeFestThe new St. Pete Beach BikeFest at the TradeWinds resort and runs through Sunday with daily poker runs, an expo, a bike show and competitions. But the real draw will be free concerts on the beach, including former M...
Published: 11/15/17
Five cool things to see in ĎStar Wars and the Power of Costumeí in St. Petersburg

Five cool things to see in ĎStar Wars and the Power of Costumeí in St. Petersburg

Do you sense a disturbance in the Force?That would probably be the landing of "Star Wars and the Power of Costume" at the Museum of Fine Arts, St. Petersburg, earlier this week. I got a preview of the blockbuster Smithsonian exhibit (docked in our co...
Published: 11/15/17

Tell Me About It: Grandson could use advice, not judgement

Grandson could use advice, not judgementQ: My 17-year-old grandson bought his 17-year-old girlfriend of barely two months lingerie from Victoriaís Secret. I think this is very inappropriate. He thinks Iím a dinosaur. Guidance, please?DinosaurA: I thi...
Published: 11/15/17

Tell Me About It: Parents think she can get sister to move out

Parents think she can get sister to move outQ: My sister, "Sarah," is turning 30 soon. Except during college, she has lived with my parents rent-free her entire life. I have always taken the stance of, "Itís my parentsí and sisterís business what the...
Published: 11/14/17