Saturday, November 18, 2017
Parenting & Relationships

Boyfriend is dependent on family, but they are mean to him

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Boyfriend is dependent on family, but they are mean to him

Q: I am 20 and my boyfriend is 21, both college juniors. We have been together for three years. He is cute, kind, smart, funny and wants to marry me. My only hesitation is his family. They pick on him constantly. His mother actually said she can't believe that I would want to be his girlfriend.

He depends on his family for transportation and income. He doesn't want to say anything that would make them cut off his tuition payments or allowance or not pick him up when he needs a ride, etc. He has no savings or job (he has health issues) and no way to get his driver's license because his family won't let him practice on their vehicles.

I am really annoyed that his family treats him like this. I want him to say something, but I understand that he depends on them. He just stares at the floor when they start criticizing him. When I stand up for him, his mother gives me icy stares. She scares me. What should I do?

C.

A: Study hard, work hard, play hard but not recklessly, look out for yourself and your future, stand by your loved ones, graduate, work your way through employment frustrations until you find a stable and promising vocation, and keep doing whatever else you've been doing to launch an independent and productive future.

And, give your boyfriend room to do the same.

That's a favor all couples owe each other, but it's an essential one for someone with an unsupportive family, health issues, money issues and just one year left in the protective custody of an institution of higher learning. These next few years have the power to decide whether he gets stuck in the muck of his family or pulls himself out, hand-over-hand, using whatever branch or root he can grab.

Loving him will open you to the temptation to be that branch, and to a certain degree that's what friends do for each other.

However, his needs put you both dangerously close to the muck, and if you're not careful, his burdens could swallow you both. Everyone is susceptible to this, but young people are in particular, for the simple reasons that idealism peaks in youth, and helping someone feels right and good, whereas standing back while someone struggles feels lousy. Yet the lines are so very fine: between dominating people and just shoring them up as they find their own way, and between shoring them up and letting them suffer while you eat popcorn.

A goal to keep in mind: Don't occupy a space in his life that couldn't easily be filled in your absence. That can apply to anything from renting a place together that he can't afford alone, to being his only ride to a job or only good friend. Model independence by giving advice only when asked, encouraging counseling (while he can use college resources), and saving heroic intervention for emergencies. When in doubt, treat him as an equal.

Even though I've completely avoided your what-do-I-do-about-his-mother question, I've actually answered it: She's a problem for you only to the extent she remains a problem for him. You can't know that now, but you will find out over the next few years. Please summon the courage to wait.

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