Sunday, May 20, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Be an adult when talking about death with Dad

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Be an adult when talking about life and death with Dad

Q: What can I say when my father starts talking about how he will be dead in x number of years? He usually says by age 65 — seven years from now — but once he predicted he will die at age 68, the day after his 50th anniversary with my mom.

There is nothing wrong with him that lifestyle changes wouldn't fix, but his father was in ill health for several years and Dad is afraid of that.

I don't expect to change his mind, but I am looking for a respectful response that lets him know I think he's spouting "horse biscuits" (as he himself would call it).

Nihilist's Child

Carolyn: I'm not sure I understand why you need to be respectful when he'd be one to say, "Horse biscuits." The first response that comes to mind is, "You'll keel by next week if you keep eating like that." Is he a holdover from the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do era? Is he used to being king, and commanding attention accordingly? If not, I say respond to him in kind.

 

Nihilist's Child again: Actually, no — he has always encouraged us to speak our minds. I guess the timidity is coming from ME, not him.

Next time I'll say some variation of, "Or you could try quitting smoking and taking a walk around the block now and again. Oh, did I tell you about that cute thing the baby did?"

Carolyn: Sounds good, but skip the cute-baby-anecdote buffer. You sound like strangers, not father and child.

It's probably worth making the distinction here that I advise this kind of response only when he makes comments about his imminent demise. I don't think it's your place to initiate any nags about his habits, nor do I think it's productive.

 

Nihilist's Child again: If I try, "Sounds like you're afraid that what happened to Grandpa will happen to you," then he reiterates that his solution to that problem is to die; he has actually been pretty explicit about that. Then what? I ask, "Can you think of any other way around it?" He says something about how it's too hard to quit drinking and smoking. Then I'm back to saying "horse biscuits" and changing the subject because it makes me uncomfortable and I'm not getting anywhere. Anything wrong with that?

 

Carolyn: Yes, actually.

Do what you can to get comfortable with the subject. Death is awful, but it's inevitable, and being able to talk about it, prepare for it, voice your fears of it, and generally just face it will help you deal with it.

When he says "it's too hard" to change his habits, then you can say, "Okay, yes, it's hard. But obviously you find it hard to think about dying, too — as I do. I guess I'm just hoping you can be comfortable with whatever choice you make, whether it's to keep your same habits knowing they might kill you prematurely, or to try to improve them knowing there are no guarantees."

Be an adult about it, and maybe he will, too.

Brother's financial business is so not any of yours

Q: Last year, my brother and I each inherited a significant amount of money. His entire share is already gone, mostly to pay off home renovations. Now, he and his wife are talking about another major addition. This is after they've sunk at least $300,000 into a house that has dropped in value by about 10 percent since they bought it.

I know it is their money (or was), but it kills me to see my grandparents' lifetime of hard work vanishing. How can I talk them out of this, or, if that isn't possible, how hard can I bite my tongue before it comes off?

Money and Family

A: A tongue's bite tolerance is for a different columnist, but boundaries, I'll do: How can I explain to you that this is so far outside the scope of your business that it defies comprehension?

Comments
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