Don't waste your time waiting for girlfriend to change

If you're not on the same path now, don't expect changes later

Q: I recently asked my girlfriend of one year if she will ever want to get married. Her response was, "I don't think so." This wasn't completely unexpected, as when we began dating she was unsure of marriage. However, it still was painful to hear.

I had brushed off her initial doubts as being part of the many questions people face after college. Or that she has a "hang-up" from the past or from childhood that she needs to work out. While these may still be in play, I'm left wondering if I'm wasting time.

I'm not ready to propose now, but I do look forward to one day having a family. She knows this. Do you have any thoughts?

N.

A: If you're waiting for someone to change, then you're wasting your time.

The only exception is when the person you're waiting on has healthy motivation to change and is taking concrete steps to change.

So, if your girlfriend, for example, knew she was carrying around childhood baggage, wanted to get rid of it for her own reasons — that can't be emphasized enough — and had started working with a therapist to sort it all out, then I'd say, sure, give her some room to do that. There are two caveats, though: (1) that you stay only if you already love her as is; and (2) that you go into this waiting period with a conscious goal of letting her figure out what she's going to change, why, how and how soon. No matter what happens, she's not going to transform into exactly the person you've always wanted her to be, nor will she honor your schedule. It just doesn't happen that way.

If, on the other hand, she hasn't expressed any desire to change, or taken any steps toward changing, then show her the respect of taking her at her word. Even if she goes on to marry the next guy she dates, that doesn't change the fact of who she was for you — someone who wasn't thinking marriage with you.

Let's say both her words and actions are telling you she wants X, while you want Y: How long does it make sense to stay with someone who will eventually diverge from your path? Your answer to that question will tell you how long you should stay.

Ignore your drunk ex-lover's misstep and keep on moving

Q: At 1:15 this morning I received a text message from an old co-worker I used to hook up with. It basically said, "Is it bad that I still think about us hooking up?" Despite the hooking-up part, we have always had a good friendship — one that continues today even though we no longer work together. However, we haven't touched each other in two years. I am recently engaged and he is in a new relationship. Obviously he was drunk but the message still made me angry, mostly because I felt like it crossed a line I thought was clearly drawn. Do I just ignore this message or reprimand him for even sending it in the first place?

Frustrated in Va.

A: A one-time remark that's never acted upon and easily deleted might be the most pristine example I've seen of a transgression between friends that's best ignored and forgotten. Drunk guy feels lost — spare him the beat-down for that.

Don't waste your time waiting for girlfriend to change 05/06/10 [Last modified: Thursday, May 6, 2010 11:15am]

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