Thursday, November 23, 2017
Parenting & Relationships

Guests shouldn't have to make a donation to attend wedding

RECOMMENDED READING


Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Guests shouldn't have to make a donation to attend wedding

Q: My boyfriend and I (both men) are getting married and are setting up our online registries, sending invitations, etc. We recognize that we're fortunate to live in a state that allows same-sex marriage, so we've decided that in lieu of gifts, we'd like guests to make a contribution to a gay rights organization.

We both have fairly conservative branches of our family and wonder if we need to offer an alternative. My position is that we don't; my boyfriend thinks it would be considerate. I'd rather have a guest who doesn't support gay marriage skip the wedding altogether or not bring a gift than get some bogus coffeemaker and tacit disapproval. Maybe I'm just overanalyzing everything. What do you think?

Anonymous

Carolyn: If I put on my happy hat, then I want to advise you to back off the buyers of the "bogus coffeemaker" (which … makes fake coffee?). When a conservative relative who opposes gay marriage actually goes out and buys a kitchen gadget for a gay relative's wedding, that could just as easily be cast as progress to be encouraged, versus insufficient applause to be swatted down.

Wearing my justice hat, I can see that incomplete gestures — "I don't like gay people, except this one I happen to know really well; he's okay" — are begging to be called out for the hypocrisies they are. Under my etiquette hat, I recoil (imperceptibly to the naked eye) at the idea of forcing your guests either to pony up for your chosen political cause or stuff it. Are you going to engrave on the invitation: "Donate to this cause as a gift to us, or stay home"?

Fortunately, the sheer impracticality of your idea trumps all. You can't make the donation a condition of attending your wedding, so don't. You can't (or at least shouldn't) put any gift information in the invitation, so don't.

What you can do is tell people who inquire about a registry that you'd love people to donate to X in lieu of a gift. If you'd like to expand your bogus-housewares collection, then you can open a small registry as well — which, again, you tell guests about when they ask.

Anonymous 2: Some registries have a thing where a percentage of the purchase is donated to a cause, and my (straight) friends chose Lambda Legal as theirs.

Carolyn: Killing two birds with one espresso machine, thanks.

Put up with friend's sloppiness because you'll soon move on

Q: I'm sharing an apartment for three months with my best friend. I love living with her but have discovered she's a slob. I'm no neat freak but generally like to wash dishes with some soap, instead of just running water over them so the crumbs go away. I don't even mind doing the majority of the housework since I'm the one who cares about it, but how do I ask her to either do things "right" or not do them at all? Or do I just lie low and rewash dishes before we have guests over?

Roommate

A: It's just a season, right? Get by and then get out.

Comments
5 things to do under $5 Nov. 23-30: Craft festival, License-Free Saltwater Fishing Day, Snow Bash

5 things to do under $5 Nov. 23-30: Craft festival, License-Free Saltwater Fishing Day, Snow Bash

1. Gem, Jewelry and Bead Show and Sale: Check out these rocks when more than 50 dealers from around the United States sell crystals, minerals, beads, gems and jewelry. $5. Coliseum, 535 Fourth Ave. N, St. Petersburg. 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Friday through ...
Published: 11/22/17
Top things to do this weekend: Lindsey Stirling, Faizon Love, Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood Live

Top things to do this weekend: Lindsey Stirling, Faizon Love, Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood Live

PULLING STRINGS: Lindsey StirlingDubstep violist Lindsey Stirling shot to fame as a quarter-finalist on America’s Got Talent in 2010 and she has been rocking the spangles on Dancing With the Stars this season as the last woman left . But on Friday yo...
Published: 11/22/17

Tell Me About It: Frequently-visiting sister needs to pitch in

Frequently visiting sister needs to pitch inQ: I live overseas with my husband and two boys. My sister visits often due to work travel and generous vacation benefits. Sounds great — especially as I have no other family member who can visit as often, ...
Published: 11/22/17
Black Friday deals at Legoland, SeaWorld, Disney and more

Black Friday deals at Legoland, SeaWorld, Disney and more

Black Friday isn’t just for stores. Many theme parks and attractions in Florida are also offering up deals that could make a nice gift or family splurge. The smaller the park, the bigger the deal, so Legoland, Gatorland and SeaWorld are toutin...
Updated: 1 hour ago
Plan your weekend: Indie shopping, Lindsey Stirling, ice skating, Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith

Plan your weekend: Indie shopping, Lindsey Stirling, ice skating, Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith

Shopping Black Friday: Avoid the madness of the malls at a variety of indie shopping experiences this weekend. Skatepark of Tampa has one of the best sneaker selections in Tampa Bay and free skating all day Friday to celebrate. They’ll open at...
Published: 11/21/17
Updated: 11/22/17
Mark your calendars: Here are the top holiday concerts, ‘Nutcracker’ shows and parades

Mark your calendars: Here are the top holiday concerts, ‘Nutcracker’ shows and parades

Get out your calendar, set aside the time and get tickets to see the top holiday shows and parties coming this season. Here are our editor’s picks for the holidays:CONCERTS98 Degrees The turn-of-the-millennium boy band brings their new holiday tour p...
Published: 11/21/17
Updated: 11/22/17
Here's where to see Christmas lights in Tampa Bay

Here's where to see Christmas lights in Tampa Bay

Once the Thanksgiving leftovers are put away, you can stop grumbling about it being too early for Christmas lights and decorations. Let the grand illuminations begin! Despite our tropical climate, or maybe because of it, Tampa Bay goes all out when ...
Published: 11/21/17

Tell Me About It: Sister’s partner is a textbook abuser

Sister’s partner is a textbook abuserQ: My sister stays home with her two small children (2 and 1) while her partner works. Recently, during a fight, he took all of their money and left. He has since returned and they have patched things up for now. ...
Published: 11/21/17
Disney-Pixar’s ‘Coco’ has a Dia de los Muertos theme and is, well, lifeless

Disney-Pixar’s ‘Coco’ has a Dia de los Muertos theme and is, well, lifeless

Disney-Pixar’s Coco was more enjoyable three years ago when it was titled The Book of Life and came from Twentieth Century Fox.Both animated features spring from Mexico’s Dia de los Muertos celebration, the annual "day of the dead" when departed rela...
Published: 11/20/17
Updated: 11/21/17

Tell Me About It: Couple considers living on one income

Couple considers living on one incomeQ: My husband and I, both unhappy in our jobs, have determined that with some strategic penny-pinching, we can live on one salary for a while. The question now is, whose salary?The argument for my husband quitting...
Published: 11/20/17