Saturday, November 18, 2017
Parenting & Relationships

Happily married, and having an affair, she really needs counseling

RECOMMENDED READING


Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Therapy may help cheating wife see the reality of her situation

Q: I have a happy marriage to a great guy with two fantastic kids. I am also having an affair with a man whom I have fallen in love with. I really don't know what to do.

I am stressed out by the crushing guilt that I feel for cheating on and betraying my husband, and fear that my actions could lead to the breakup of our happy family. But I just feel like I cannot end the affair. I really love this other person, and I feel caught in a terrible situation that is 100 percent my fault.

I don't want to leave my husband for the other man, but I know the current situation likely can't last forever. I am lost and confused as to how I ended up in this situation. Should I seek counseling? Would it do any good, given my rock-and-a-hard-place situation? Please help. I can't talk to anyone about this, and I feel like I'm going to explode!

Do I Need Therapy??

A: Yes, counseling, ASAP. You seem to think it won't change anything, but I wager it will — in part because yours is a situation that's very hard to sustain when spoken out loud. The stories you're telling yourself are credible only in your own mind, and trying to articulate them to someone else is often a quick way to expose that.

Another argument for counseling: You need to get your emotions under control.

You also need to swap out your fatalism for willpower. There's no rock-and-a-hard-place here; there are only your choices. You just want to believe the narrative you've constructed that tells you otherwise.

Tackling all three of these is a realistic goal from therapy with a skilled provider. Get moving, for your poor kids if no one else.

Fiance who won't go to wedding of friend is being a bad sport

Q: My bestest, bestest friend is getting married this summer. The wedding coincides with my fiance's birthday, and he has said the only present he wants to mark the event is not to have to go to the wedding.

I'm not going to insist that he come with me, but I was pretty taken aback by this attitude. I wish he would be there because my friend and her husband will likely be in our lives for years, and I want him to be part of this memory. It's local and will cost us almost nothing to attend.

I get that not everyone enjoys weddings (and my fiance is particularly impatient with them), but isn't this bad sportsmanship?

California

A: He sounds like a weenie. Marrying him is a good idea, you're sure?

For what it's worth, I'm not sold on the "want him to be part of this memory" argument; it's squishy, for one. Plus, it suggests you're working harder than necessary to justify wanting him there ("bestest, bestest friend"). This is a celebration of someone very important to you, and you'd like your fiance to give a spit, or just half of one, if only on your behalf. The "bad sportsmanship" angle sounds right to me.

Comments
With Harry Potterís Christmas, Universal Orlando proves holidays are big business

With Harry Potterís Christmas, Universal Orlando proves holidays are big business

ORLANDO ó Christmas has finally come to Hogwarts at Universal Orlando in a new holiday attraction opening Saturday. In addition, Universal Studios has completely upsized its holiday parade with more Macyís balloons, stunning floats and snowy effects ...
Published: 11/17/17
First look: Harry Potterís Christmas finally arrives at Universal Orlando

First look: Harry Potterís Christmas finally arrives at Universal Orlando

Christmas has finally come to Hogwarts at Universal Orlando, with the promise of warm butterbeer, a Frog Choir singing carols and a magical light show projected onto Hogwarts Castle nightly followed by fireworks. It opens to the public on Saturday. C...
Published: 11/17/17

Tell Me About It: Momís stroke threatens plans for children

Momís stroke threatens plans for childrenQ: Recently you gave advice about how itís "never the perfect time to have a baby," and thatís true, but does the calculation change any if youíre planning to be a single mom?Iím 36 and a year ago I broke up w...
Published: 11/17/17

Tell Me About It: Wife uses silent treatment to be cruel

Wife uses silent treatment to be cruelQ: My wife is a wonderfully sensible person and appropriately sensitive. She is the oldest of three sisters and often feels left out. The age and geographical distance make it understandable that her two sisters ...
Published: 11/16/17

Tell Me About It: Woman takes momís advice the wrong way

Woman takes momís advice the wrong wayQ: I was laid off recently from a job of 15 years. My confidence took a blow.When I told my mom, she said, "Hurry up and update your resume. And donít forget to add your Employee of the Year award." I had of cour...
Published: 11/15/17
5 under $5: Sand sculptors, free ice skating, Pinellas Trail performances

5 under $5: Sand sculptors, free ice skating, Pinellas Trail performances

1Sanding Ovations: This annual Treasure Island sand sculpting competition brings master sculptors working in 150 tons of sand. This year artists come from Ireland, the Netherlands, Singapore, Russia, Lithuania, Canada and the United States. An adjac...
Published: 11/15/17
Weekend fun: St. Pete Beach BikeFest, Chillounge Night, Christmas at Universal, Busch Gardens

Weekend fun: St. Pete Beach BikeFest, Chillounge Night, Christmas at Universal, Busch Gardens

BIG WHEELS: St. Pete Beach BikeFestThe new St. Pete Beach BikeFest at the TradeWinds resort and runs through Sunday with daily poker runs, an expo, a bike show and competitions. But the real draw will be free concerts on the beach, including former M...
Published: 11/15/17
Five cool things to see in ĎStar Wars and the Power of Costumeí in St. Petersburg

Five cool things to see in ĎStar Wars and the Power of Costumeí in St. Petersburg

Do you sense a disturbance in the Force?That would probably be the landing of "Star Wars and the Power of Costume" at the Museum of Fine Arts, St. Petersburg, earlier this week. I got a preview of the blockbuster Smithsonian exhibit (docked in our co...
Published: 11/15/17

Tell Me About It: Grandson could use advice, not judgement

Grandson could use advice, not judgementQ: My 17-year-old grandson bought his 17-year-old girlfriend of barely two months lingerie from Victoriaís Secret. I think this is very inappropriate. He thinks Iím a dinosaur. Guidance, please?DinosaurA: I thi...
Published: 11/15/17

Tell Me About It: Parents think she can get sister to move out

Parents think she can get sister to move outQ: My sister, "Sarah," is turning 30 soon. Except during college, she has lived with my parents rent-free her entire life. I have always taken the stance of, "Itís my parentsí and sisterís business what the...
Published: 11/14/17