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He's cooling to their plans for long-distance relationship

He's cooling to their plans for long-distance relationship

Q: My girlfriend is moving at the end of summer to start a grad degree in another state. We have discussed staying together regardless of where she ended up, but now I am beginning to have second thoughts.

The school she has chosen is several hours away, and I am not in a position to move there (nor is it a place I would otherwise consider living). I like my job and area, and am not looking forward to taking time off work or giving up weekends with friends to visit her — especially if there is no "end" where I move there or she returns here.

I feel like I am trapped in a lie, since I do love her and said I still wanted to date her. Am I being selfish or is she?


A: She's doing what she thinks is right, you're doing what you think is right, and both your thinkings and doings have evolved over time. Don't muck up that perfectly natural process by assigning negative values to your priorities, just because they aren't the ones you initially expected to have.

If you treat your preferences as selfish or deceptive, then that only forces you to distance yourself from a truth you need to embrace. You're dreading trips to see her. I doubt your heart will ever send you so lucid a message again. Explain that you love her, but also admit the distance and the open-endedness are more than you're ready to face.

Friend's actions make clear romantic feelings aren't mutual

Q: I made plans to go out last night with a friend whom I haven't seen in a long time. I have feelings for her, and I think she knows I like her.

We met up and went to a bar/club, but near the end of the night she started flirting with guys at the bar and went home with one of them. Of course, I was very hurt, jealous, etc., as a spectator to this who was being ignored, but I'm having a hard time seeing it objectively. Did she do something wrong that I should discuss with her, or not? Do I need to decide whether to suck it up and be her friend?


A: Objectively, it's wrong to ignore and ditch the person who made plans to spend time with you. The only exception would be among great friends who see each other all the time and who have an understanding that an evening's plans are subject to improvisation.

That said, there's no reason you have to be objective here. This friend you pine for ignored you and ditched you. You have your answer to the real question on your mind: No, the feelings aren't mutual.

If it helps, her utter disregard for your feelings bespeaks an immaturity and/or cruelty that would have doomed you eventually. Her slap in the face was a gift.

How to distinguish love from loving the benefits

Q: How do you know if someone loves you or just loves what you do for them?


A: You know it when the things s/he does for you, and says to you, reflect careful attention to who you are. You can't fake that, not even by candlelight.

He's cooling to their plans for long-distance relationship 07/14/09 [Last modified: Tuesday, July 14, 2009 11:31pm]
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