Saturday, June 23, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Hurt by comments? Let 'friend' know

Call out your 'friend' when she makes her hurtful comments

Q: A close friend and I are entering health science careers via graduate school. We are pretty competitive individuals, and she puts a lot of her competitive emphasis on the academic realm. She is going through medical school now, and I am going to school this spring for physical therapy.

My problem is that she consistently, unintentionally dismisses my profession as easier than hers or less difficult to get into. The fact is, many universities are seeing more applications for physical therapy than for their medical programs, for fewer available slots. Both of our programs culminate in doctoral degrees, by the way.

She often makes comments such as, "I know you'll be offended by this, but most medical students who are close to failing out choose to go instead for physical therapy." I'm hurt that she could think so little of me and this profession.

Hurt

A: Define "unintentionally."

The competitiveness of your degrees and professions (and any defensiveness thereof, ahem) is irrelevant. There's just this:

She: "I know you'll be offended by this, but …"

You: "Then why say it?"

Or …

She, paraphrased: "Dropouts from my program skulk into yours."

You: "You do know how pompous you sound when you say things like that, right?"

Consider it a public service to all the non-M.D.'s this eventual M.D. will rely upon — heavily — over the course of her own career.

When it comes to relationships, women can take the lead

Q: What are your views on whether a man, if he is truly interested, will make a move to ask out a woman? I feel like we are bombarded with ideas and celebrity figures telling us that if a man doesn't make the first move, he is "just not that into you." This doesn't seem to leave room for the inherent fact that every person is different and responds to situations uniquely.

Is this just another tactic to keep women from feeling too powerful, keeping them from stepping up by promoting fear of rejection? Or does this simple idea ring true for the majority of people?

First Move or No Move

A: Countless traditions and expectations don't "leave room for the inherent fact that every person is different." Yes, boys are culturally influenced to understand that it's incumbent on them to act on their romantic interests, so, yes, a man who hasn't asked you out often is not interested.

Sometimes, though, he just hasn't noticed you (yet), or he assumed you were out of his league, or is shy, or etc., so the uniqueness of the people and situation has to prevail over "rules." Calling it a "tactic" ignores individual differences, too, no?

As for the expectations of girls. I could say girls are too preoccupied by the task of finding one coherent thread out of a snarl of mixed messages to have the wherewithal to ask out boys. But I'd be digressing. When women do take the initiative, they, just like men, win a few, lose a few and slip into a few lackluster, I-hate-to-say-no relationships. The women who threaten men with their empowerment will duly scare off such men, sure, but I await news of a downside to that.

Comments

Tell Me About It: Dad despairs at state of gender relations

Q: Day after day, we have new news of a famous man who has done unspeakably stupid and offensive things to women ... for decades. Society is, somewhat belatedly, starting to take these accusations seriously.But change is needed at the opposite end of...
Published: 06/22/18

Tell Me About It: Future in-laws are insisting on an open bar

Q: My fiance and I are getting married in my family’s hometown and my parents are hosting (and paying for) the wedding. My family are minimal drinkers. My fiance’s large extended family is accustomed to weddings with full open bars.My parents’ initia...
Published: 06/21/18
Plan your weekend: St. Pete Pride, Hall and Oates, Pixies, Logic, comics Jay Pharoah and Bobby Bones

Plan your weekend: St. Pete Pride, Hall and Oates, Pixies, Logic, comics Jay Pharoah and Bobby Bones

Rainbow connection Pride weekend: One of the largest Pride celebration in the Southeast happens this weekend in St. Petersburg, bringing a rainbow of activities. Things set off on Friday with the free SP2 Concert at North Straub Park, hosted by Coc...
Published: 06/20/18
Updated: 06/21/18
Big concerts this weekend: Luke Bryan, Hall and Oates, Weezer, Logic and more

Big concerts this weekend: Luke Bryan, Hall and Oates, Weezer, Logic and more

HIS KIND OF NIGHT: Luke BryanIt’s been three long years since Tampa has seen the well-groomed hide of Luke Bryan, the Hollywoodiest hunk in Nashville. But he’s about to make up for lost time. On Saturday he’ll headline his biggest-ever show here, a b...
Published: 06/20/18
Top things to do this week: Go Skateboarding Day, Hollywood medium Tyler Henry

Top things to do this week: Go Skateboarding Day, Hollywood medium Tyler Henry

Tyler Henry: Hollywood MediumTyler Henry, the so-called Hollywood Medium who stars in an eponymous E! hit show, is coming to town with a live show called "Life Lessons I Have Learned From the Departed." The soft-spoken 22-year-old has done readings f...
Published: 06/20/18
5 things to do under $5: USF Summer Plant Festival, Bridal Show, free show by AnastasiaMax

5 things to do under $5: USF Summer Plant Festival, Bridal Show, free show by AnastasiaMax

1 Summer Plant Festival: If you think you can’t get anything to thrive in Florida’s brutal summers, check out the vendors with fruit trees and advice on how to grow them, along with hundreds of blooming butterfly plants, herbs and tropical and exotic...
Published: 06/20/18

Tell Me About It: Wife punished after being victimized

Q: At a work happy hour, a male co-worker groped me. He later "apologized" with the qualification that I had been sending him mixed signals.I’m married, he has met my husband, I’ve never led him on. And when it happened I was incredibly clear that it...
Published: 06/20/18
Your guide to St. Pete Pride: What's changed for 2018

Your guide to St. Pete Pride: What's changed for 2018

Pride weekend kicks off in St. Petersburg Friday with a free concert hosted by a RuPaul’s Drag Race star, a parade along the downtown waterfront on Saturday and an expanded expo of vendors and art on Sunday in the Grand Central District that ga...
Published: 06/19/18

Tell Me About It: Mom/daughter dynamic feels controlling

Q: I am afraid I may be a controlling mom of my young adult daughter, but we have a dynamic in which she seeks me out often, solicits my advice, and makes me too important in her life. I admit to offering that advice because it is hard for me to draw...
Published: 06/19/18

Tell Me About It: Regretting staying too long in bad romance

Q: I recently broke up with someone after two years. Even though there were things that bothered me while we were together, I would convince myself I was overreacting, he didn’t really mean it, etc.Now that it’s over, I feel like a fool for not havin...
Published: 06/18/18