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In this case, breakup is more about him than 'them'

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

In this case, breakup is more about him than 'them'

Strong personality?: Got dumped after two months by someone who said that while he'd felt he was falling in love with me and I was perfect for him, things were "too easy" with me, that he would just keep being himself if he dated me because we're both introspective introverts, and he realized he wants an extrovert with a stronger personality to challenge him to greater heights. Ouch. What can I make of this feedback? How can you fall in love with someone but reject their personality?

Carolyn: The only thing to make of this is that you dodged a bullet. He wants an extrovert? Good luck, buh-bye.

Or, he just spun a yarn because it sounded better than "I'm not feeling it and I want to break up" — which, after two months, isn't so much a personal insult to you as a common case of two people who are perfectly fine . . . for other people.

I know it's easier said than done, but don't read too deeply into his feedback. Maybe he isn't a doink, but his breakup logic makes him sound like one — or, like a very immature guy.

Anonymous: Re: Personalities: I don't think that's being a doink. We all want to complement and better ourselves. I don't want to be with someone who I'll just sit on the couch with. I want to live!

Carolyn: Then: (1) Get out and live! Don't expect your extroverted date to be your cruise director.

If that doesn't work with an introverted date, try: (2) Saying to your introverted couch buddy, "Let's go see X/do Y/try Z."

If that explicit effort doesn't take, then you can say: (3) "I like you a lot, but our interests are too different."

In other words, it's fine to note the shortcomings of a relationship, but not the shortcomings of the other person. He didn't just leave, he blamed her personality on the way out — which reflects poorly on his.

Fertility issues drive her need to fast-track marriage, kids

New York: What to do when you 100 percent love the person you're with, but the two of you aren't on the same marriage schedule?

I'm 26 and have been told by my doctor that fertility problems mean I will need to try to have children sooner rather than later (before 30 was the exact timeline). My boyfriend is not ready to get married yet. I don't know if he understands that if he doesn't propose soon, I'll be at least 28 when we get married, which means we'll have to start trying for children right away.

I don't want to break up with him and look for someone who's on my schedule, but I don't want to force him into marriage before he's ready, either. How to deal with something like this in my own head?

Carolyn: Given your body's limitations and your life goals, I think you need to give your boyfriend this information about your fertility straight-up — meaning, you make it about your body and not about marriage.

Respect him enough to let him figure out what he wants — and respect yourself enough to make your very real considerations a priority.

In this case, breakup is more about him than 'them' 02/18/11 [Last modified: Friday, February 18, 2011 3:30am]

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