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Instead of cowardly cheating, talk to wife about intimacy

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Instead of cheating on your wife, talk to her about intimacy

Undisclosed location: Ugh.

Cheated on my wife for the first time last week.

But after reading other people's questions, I feel like a low priority.

Carolyn: No, you're not off the hook that easily.

Why'd you do it?

Anonymous: To undisclosed location: "First time" makes it sound like you already know there is going to be a second, third, fourth, fifth, etc.

Carolyn: I thought the same thing — but it could just be unfortunate wording by someone who wanted to make clear this was an aberration.

Undisclosed location, again: Why? Bored, I guess. Not really feeling as physically appreciated as I used to.

And I don't know if this makes any sense … but I always said I would tell her when she got so big that it was bothering me. Well, the conversation is not worth it. Crazy as it sounds, I chose to fool around with someone and risk getting caught rather than tell her she got big.

Ahh, it probably won't happen again anyway.

Carolyn: Awfully cavalier.

I get what you're trying to say, but you made a lot of decisions for another person here.

Please just tell her "I'm feeling starved for affection." Let her in on fixing it.

It's debatable whether she needs to know what you did, but she absolutely deserves a chance to save her own marriage (your "probably" ain't exactly reassuring).

If you're tempted to cheat (again), tell her that.

Anonymous 2: To undisclosed location: Okay, seriously, did you cheat on your wife because she doesn't want to sleep with you, or because you don't want to sleep with her? There is a difference between not feeling "physically appreciated" and not feeling attracted to her because she's too fat.

Be honest with yourself before you try to say anything to her, because right now you sound like you're trying to lay the blame on her when this is your failing in the fidelity department.

Carolyn: I read it as both, but, agreed — his message needs honing.

Undisclosed location: "Awfully cavalier" … yeah, I deserve that.

Sigh. There is a big difference between "I need more" and "you need to lose 15 pounds."

Carolyn: Yes, there is, but the difference is more in the delivery and intent than in the end result.

Focus on weight, and you tell someone "You're gross." Plus, there's no promise that weight loss will make your physical lives any better.

But presumably the 15 pounds come from too much food and too little activity. Both of those put people out of touch with their physicality — which can kill two sex drives in one shot. It's not just about a desirable appearance. So if you can make it about being more active, and feeling more energetic, the attraction side of it might take care of itself.

Tomorrow: More, because this can't be where it ends.

Instead of cowardly cheating, talk to wife about intimacy 08/16/10 [Last modified: Monday, August 16, 2010 12:34am]

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