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Is that real love on 'The Bachelor'? (Maybe.)

 
Helen Fisher
Helen Fisher
Published March 22, 2016

In prehistoric times, humans would sit around the campfire and gossip about who in their tribe was in love. Instead, we watch reality television today, says Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who studies romantic love.

No show encapsulates that age-old obsession with watching romance bloom and fade more than The Bachelor, the reality TV dating show in which dozens of women compete to win a proposal from one man. Most people think of The Bachelor as mindless entertainment. But are there scientific explanations for how the contestants act? I spoke with Fisher, a researcher at the Kinsey Institute and the author of the book Anatomy of Love.

Q: Many of the contestants on The Bachelor say they've fallen in love after such a short time — just a few dates together. Can people really fall in love that fast?

A: I don't think they're lying to you. The brain system of romantic love is like the fear system — it can be triggered at any time. You can be scared in a second, and you can fall in love in a second. And I think that reality TV even heightens the probability of that, because any kind of novelty drives up the dopamine system in the brain, which is what becomes activated when you fall madly in love. You're in a situation in which the whole world is watching you — it's very novel, it's very exciting.

Q: You have said that romantic love isn't really an emotion, it's a drive — like the compulsion you feel reaching for a piece of chocolate or pursuing a promotion at work.

A: It is a drive. There are emotions and cognitive thinking processes involved, but the brain system that becomes activated in all of us when we fall in love is a drive system. And it's very powerful. The amount of clinical depression, suicide, homicide, and crimes of passion that are triggered by being rejected in love are tremendous around the world.

Q: Even more than love, The Bachelor is about rejection, since every candidate except one is rejected. What role does rejection play in forming relationships?

A: With rejection, we know what happens in the brain. We put 15 people into a brain scanner who had just been dumped, and we found activity in the basic brain region for romantic love. When you've been rejected, you still love the person. Romantic love, in fact, can become even stronger. The opposite of love is not hate, the opposite of love is indifference.

Q: The bachelor this season, Ben Higgins, was at the center of some controversy for telling two women that he loves them. Is it possible?

A: The answer is yes and no. In the very beginning, you can feel tinglings of romantic love for more than one person. Then as time goes by, things happen, people say things that are stupid or rude, or they say things that are funny and kind, and we move toward one rather than the other. So he was probably not lying; he probably did feel the very beginning of romantic love for both of them. But as time goes by, his brain will begin to focus on one of those two. Because that's a basic characteristic of full- blown romantic love, it's focused on one individual.

Q: Why do you think so many Americans are fascinated with The Bachelor? Do we have a cultural obsession with romantic love?

A: No question about it. We've evolved three distinctly different brain systems for mating and reproduction: the sex drive, feelings of intense romantic love, and feelings of deep attachment. In America, I think we're scared of the sex drive. I think we glorify romantic love, and we don't pay enough attention to that profound feeling of attachment.

There are a lot of cultures around the world that were historically terrified of romantic love. They regarded it as a scary and mercurial force that could topple family relationships. A lot of cultures traditionally had arranged marriages, so if you fell in love and you ran away with that person and the arranged marriage didn't happen, the consequences were bad for your whole family.

And romantic love is an addiction, we're trying to prove that. We've found that the brain regions linked with cocaine and heroin become activated when you're in love. It's a perfectly wonderful addiction when it's going well, and a perfectly horrible addiction when it's going horribly.

Q: Has that focus on romantic love changed what people look for in a partner?

A: I work with Match.com, and we do an annual study called Singles in America. When we ask people what they're looking for in a partner, the very first thing they say is 'Someone who I love.' They want somebody who respects them, somebody they can trust and confide in, somebody who makes them laugh, and somebody who they find physically attractive. I don't think 100 years ago people would have made that list. They would have said a respectable man who has my religious beliefs, who can support me and my children.

Q: You have a theory about why more Americans are involved with "fast sex" and "slow love" — explain that.

A: In the Match study, every year there are some trend questions. I ask the question, 'Have you ever had a one night stand?' Every year, over 50 percent of people say yes. Then I ask, 'Have you ever had a 'friends with benefits' relationship?' And over 50 percent of people say yes also. And then I ask, 'Have you ever lived with someone long-term before marrying?' And over 50 percent of Americans say yes.

Americans think that all of this fast sex is very reckless, and I had assumed it was reckless, too. Then I read a statistic that said that 67 percent of people today in America who are living together with somebody long term have not yet decided to marry a person because they're terrified of divorce. They're terrified of the economic, psychological, personal, social, and financial fallout of divorce. And it suddenly occurred to me, all of this fast sex is not reckless. I think it's caution.

We're now in an age where a person wants to know everything they can about a partner before they tie the knot. I call it "fast sex, slow love." You get to know a lot about a human being between the sheets, but you don't move straight to the marriage aisle. I think we might be heading into an era of happy marriages because bad relationships can end before you tie the knot.