Friday, June 22, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Matchmaker should keep mum unless guy is abuser or liar

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Matchmaker should keep mum unless guy is an abuser or a liar

Q; One of my friends has asked me to set her up with a guy friend of mine. I happen to know that the guy friend is not looking for the same things she is looking for and will probably (though not definitely) wind up blowing her off, even if he seems interested at first (which he probably will). Is it my job to share this with her, or should I just set up the initial contact and then butt out?

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

Carolyn: Interesting. I started to type out an answer to the effect of, "No harm in mentioning his pattern," but then I disagreed with myself before I finished.

It's up to the two of them to find out about each other, and as long as there's nothing glaring that you're withholding, to say too much is meddling.

What's "glaring"? That he has a history of abusing or lying to women he dates — and you know this, versus merely suspecting it.

I could keep going with the butt-out reasoning and ask why do two adults need an intermediary. Can't she just approach him herself?

Anonymous: Not sure I agree with your answer. If the female friend is looking for a serious relationship and the male friend is only interested in dating girls casually right now — and has a history of using/blowing off women — then I think the female friend would want to know this before proceeding. It can be really painful for someone (of either sex) who is looking for a lasting relationship to be blown off. I think the female friend should be informed if the male friend isn't looking for something long-term right now. … Then she can make her own decision on how to proceed.

Carolyn: This sounds good in theory, but does the matchmaker actually know what the male friend wants? That's part of what stopped me — the idea of presuming to be the messenger when the male friend (a) might not even know himself how he'd feel and behave in a relationship with this female friend and (b) is perfectly capable of saying for himself, "I'm not interested in anything serious right now."

Again — if he has a clear, established tendency to mislead women, then the onus on the matchmaker friend does change. The new responsibility, though, isn't merely to warn off friends from pursuing him romantically; it's to take responsibility for being friends with someone who uses women. Doesn't that make someone an accessory?

It takes discipline, self-control for a cheater to become faithful

Q: In your experience, what do you think it takes for a person with a history of cheating on partners to be able to maintain a long-term, monogamous, committed relationship?

Once a Cheater

A: Impulse control, plus resolution of whatever chaos was underlying the infidelity choice — including a firm conviction that life is better with nothing happening on the side. To put it more cynically: You need the person to recognize it's in his or her self-interest to remain faithful and to be disciplined enough to pull it off.

Comments

Tell Me About It: Future in-laws are insisting on an open bar

Q: My fiance and I are getting married in my familyís hometown and my parents are hosting (and paying for) the wedding. My family are minimal drinkers. My fianceís large extended family is accustomed to weddings with full open bars.My parentsí initia...
Published: 06/21/18
Plan your weekend: St. Pete Pride, Hall and Oates, Pixies, Logic, comics Jay Pharoah and Bobby Bones

Plan your weekend: St. Pete Pride, Hall and Oates, Pixies, Logic, comics Jay Pharoah and Bobby Bones

Rainbow connection Pride weekend: One of the largest Pride celebration in the Southeast happens this weekend in St. Petersburg, bringing a rainbow of activities. Things set off on Friday with the free SP2 Concert at North Straub Park, hosted by Coco ...
Published: 06/20/18
Updated: 06/21/18
Big concerts this weekend: Luke Bryan, Hall and Oates, Weezer, Logic and more

Big concerts this weekend: Luke Bryan, Hall and Oates, Weezer, Logic and more

HIS KIND OF NIGHT: Luke BryanItís been three long years since Tampa has seen the well-groomed hide of Luke Bryan, the Hollywoodiest hunk in Nashville. But heís about to make up for lost time. On Saturday heíll headline his biggest-ever show here, a b...
Published: 06/20/18
Top things to do this week: Go Skateboarding Day, Hollywood medium Tyler Henry

Top things to do this week: Go Skateboarding Day, Hollywood medium Tyler Henry

Tyler Henry: Hollywood MediumTyler Henry, the so-called Hollywood Medium who stars in an eponymous E! hit show, is coming to town with a live show called "Life Lessons I Have Learned From the Departed." The soft-spoken 22-year-old has done readings f...
Published: 06/20/18
5 things to do under $5: USF Summer Plant Festival, Bridal Show, free show by AnastasiaMax

5 things to do under $5: USF Summer Plant Festival, Bridal Show, free show by AnastasiaMax

1 Summer Plant Festival: If you think you canít get anything to thrive in Floridaís brutal summers, check out the vendors with fruit trees and advice on how to grow them, along with hundreds of blooming butterfly plants, herbs and tropical and exotic...
Published: 06/20/18

Tell Me About It: Wife punished after being victimized

Q: At a work happy hour, a male co-worker groped me. He later "apologized" with the qualification that I had been sending him mixed signals.Iím married, he has met my husband, Iíve never led him on. And when it happened I was incredibly clear that it...
Published: 06/20/18
Your guide to St. Pete Pride: What's changed for 2018

Your guide to St. Pete Pride: What's changed for 2018

Pride weekend kicks off in St. Petersburg Friday with a free concert hosted by a RuPaul’s Drag Race star, a parade along the downtown waterfront on Saturday and an expanded expo of vendors and art on Sunday in the Grand Central District that ga...
Published: 06/19/18

Tell Me About It: Mom/daughter dynamic feels controlling

Q: I am afraid I may be a controlling mom of my young adult daughter, but we have a dynamic in which she seeks me out often, solicits my advice, and makes me too important in her life. I admit to offering that advice because it is hard for me to draw...
Published: 06/19/18

Tell Me About It: Regretting staying too long in bad romance

Q: I recently broke up with someone after two years. Even though there were things that bothered me while we were together, I would convince myself I was overreacting, he didnít really mean it, etc.Now that itís over, I feel like a fool for not havin...
Published: 06/18/18

Tell Me About It: After years of depression, a diagnosis

Q: Iím 33 and have dealt with depression on and off since my adolescence. I grew up in a household with every kind of abuse you can think of, but I didnít start seeking help until my early 20s via talk therapy, and cut ties entirely with my abusers. ...
Published: 06/17/18