Monday, December 11, 2017
Parenting & Relationships

Mom should get a better handle on 'devastated' versus 'disappointed'

Get a better handle on what it means to be 'devastated'

Q: Our daughter and son-in-law recently purchased their first house. My husband and I helped advise them (solicited) during the building of the house, and I watched our 3 1/2-year-old grandson on numerous occasions when the couple had to deal with the building details. We kept our grandson during the move, gave them our 12-year-old refrigerator, which was in excellent condition, and then my husband spent two days painting the powder room and our grandson's bedroom.

Recently, I found out that my daughter and her husband are having an open house celebration. Not only were we not invited, but the weekend they chose is also the weekend I have an overnight business trip. I only found out about the housewarming because I saw party supplies and a list titled "House Party" lying on the kitchen counter when I picked up our grandson from day care, took him for a haircut, and took him home to help with dinner.

I was devastated not to be invited to this celebration of a milestone in a couple's life. My daughter's response was that I was "over the top" for being upset, and that she didn't know that was my weekend away. She also said, "Besides, you have already seen the house."

It seems to us that we were good enough to do all the legwork, but not good enough to be invited to the celebration. Am I being "over the top" about this? This is not the first time we have felt that we are the babysitters and the hired help rather than part of the family.

Sad and Disappointed

A: "Sad and disappointed" make sense — not being invited to something always stings (even when it's something you didn't want to attend).

"Devastated" is over the top. Way.

Disappointed is when you miss out on something you value, but you're able to grasp that life is long and you'll get other chances. Devastated is when you miss out on one of the only things you value, and your life will never be the same again.

If it's the former, then apologize to your daughter for overreacting. If it's the latter, then do please reconsider.

Since there's barely agreement on the significance of witnessing a wedding, I'm comfortable declaring the significance of this "milestone in a couple's life" as firmly in the eye of the beholder. Many see housewarmings as just another excuse for a party. Plus, when adult children live near their parents, they're all faced with a small but sensitive puzzle: How to lead social lives that are both independent and inclusive?

It's perfectly healthy for people to want to socialize occasionally with, and occasionally without, their parents/children. So, if your daughter and her husband want to spend this evening with their peers, that makes sense to this disinterested observer. They're entitled.

If that's the case, then her deflections also make sense, since they're all of the it's-no-big-deal variety. None of them is exactly true, I suspect, but given how heavily invested you are in the symbolism here, you've made it very difficult for your daughter to say to you truthfully, "I love you, Ma, but this one's just with our friends."

More important, you've made it needlessly difficult on yourself. You've harnessed all your reasoning power to justify your feelings of devastation, instead of channeling it toward debunking them. You say, "We're the hired help," where you could say, "We're already a huge part of their lives, I'm glad they'll have this time with friends."

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