Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Old, unhappy pattern seems to have survived first marriage

Old, unhappy pattern seems to have survived first marriage

Q: After 40 years of an abusive marriage, I finally got my divorce and recently reunited with my first love. We have been together almost a year now and were planning to get married.

I'm having second thoughts. He is obsessed with his adult children, who are married with children of their own. They both live over 1,000 miles away. If I get sick and need something, he ignores me, but if his son's wife needs money, he can't wait to send it.

I have tried talking to him about this and it just ends up in a fight. I tried telling him she wasn't his responsibility, but he just doesn't see it. What should I do?

R.

A: Look at this through the lens of your strengths, vulnerabilities and experience. During those 40 years, did your inclination to stick around, set your needs aside, minimize your doubts and keep the peace serve you well?

You don't mention any counseling after you left your abuser; given your long marriage to someone who mistreated you, and your impending marriage to someone who puts you third on his list — or merely takes advantage of the fact that you put yourself there — it appears you're living by an old, unhappy pattern. If you question whether you can shred it and design a new one in its place, then I urge you to run these second thoughts about your relationship by a reputable therapist.

Something to keep in mind either way: When you ask your partner for something you value, and he refuses, your remaining options are these: Stay on his terms or leave on yours. Don't let other things clutter that point.

Disapproving friend may be the one who has the real issues

Q: I have a friend who seems to interpret aging gracefully as behaving in what she considers an age-appropriate way.

I'm living with the attitude that at my age (66), I've earned the right to do what I want if I'm not hurting anyone else. My friend has expressed disapproval of me for: coloring my hair, getting Botox for my forehead, running in races, wearing fitted clothes (even though I am thin), letting my tattoo show, taking Zumba classes, etc. I see these as differences in personal preferences, not as violations of some unwritten rules.

Still, she has me wondering. Am I making a fool of myself? Are people laughing at me behind my back? Everyone has seen old ladies with garish makeup, hair and clothes. What do you think about "rules" for aging women?

Having Fun in Retirement

A: Let's say people are laughing behind your back. Is that a good enough reason to change the way you live your life?

Why wouldn't you feel sorry instead for people so shackled, even threatened, by "rules" that they have to tame any rule-breakers with ridicule? Are the Zumba-dancing, tattoo-showing "old ladies with garish makeup" the punch lines, or is the joke really on the people who spend their whole lives taking pains to blend in?

For someone who is "not hurting anyone else" and chooses "Having Fun in Retirement" as a signature, I can think of only one change that makes sense: to encourage your friend to unclench.

Comments

Tell Me About It: Sister’s remark is a teaching opportunity

My husband’s sister, "Kate," is expecting her second child. They have a 3-year-old girl. My husband and I have two girls, 8 and 6. At our house this week, Kate talked extensively about her hopes that this next baby is a boy. Some of her reasons are c...
Published: 04/23/18

Tell Me About It: Mom fears she has discussed sex too soon

Q: This week I was in a discussion with a bunch of other third-grade parents about what our kids know about sex. The vast majority of these parents said their children were "clueless" and they wanted to maintain their kids’ innocence. I was one of th...
Published: 04/22/18
Underoath’s Spencer Chamberlain talks breakup, reunion, getting sober and returning to St. Petersburg

Underoath’s Spencer Chamberlain talks breakup, reunion, getting sober and returning to St. Petersburg

ST. PETERSBURG — HGTV fanatic that he is, Spencer Chamberlain sees a metaphor for his band in the ever-evolving St. Petersburg skyline."When you go downtown and you look at the ONE, that used to be a dirt parking lot," said the singer, referring to a...
Published: 04/20/18
Updated: 04/23/18
Top things to do in Tampa Bay for the week of April 23-29

Top things to do in Tampa Bay for the week of April 23-29

St. Anthony’s Triathlon: World class athletes and Olympians race around St. Petersburg’s Vinoy Park on Sunday ($160-$180), while kids and novices race Saturday in the Meek and Mighty. A free kick-off celebration Friday has a concert by co...
Published: 04/23/18

Tell Me About It: Family reconsiders taking group trips

Q: Should there be expectations about taking vacations/trips with other family members? We have two issues:(1) We have three kids, including teenagers, and my brother and wife have two kids. The younger is 6. My wife and I find it hard to plan someth...
Published: 04/20/18
On its 20th anniversary, Disney's Animal Kingdom credits conservation with longevity

On its 20th anniversary, Disney's Animal Kingdom credits conservation with longevity

ORLANDO — When Disney’s Animal Kingdom opened 20 years ago, it was light on thrills and heavy on conservation. On April 22, 1998, Earth Day, the Orlando park had a single thrill ride, Countdown to Extinction, and a handful of shows like ...
Published: 04/19/18
Updated: 04/20/18

Tell Me About It: How to deal with conversation dominators

Q: We have a few relatives, including a sibling, who we don’t see or hear from often, as we are busy or live far away. We meet over a meal or for an hour or so, or at family gatherings requiring a drive, and I am so frustrated that they dominate the ...
Published: 04/19/18
Huge concert week in Tampa: Foo Fighters, Kenny Chesney, 98 Rockfest, more

Huge concert week in Tampa: Foo Fighters, Kenny Chesney, 98 Rockfest, more

PURE NIRVANA: Foo FightersDave Grohl may be America’s last unquestioned rock god. He’s played with Kurt Cobain and Jimmy Page, Tom Petty and Trent Reznor and St. Vincent, and he also leads a pretty decent group — perhaps you’ve heard of them — called...
Published: 04/18/18
Updated: 04/20/18
Plan your weekend: Kenny Chesney, ‘The Producers’ in the park, Mainsail Art Fest, Sugar Sand Fest, Earth Day

Plan your weekend: Kenny Chesney, ‘The Producers’ in the park, Mainsail Art Fest, Sugar Sand Fest, Earth Day

The top things to do April 20 to 22 in Tampa, St. Petersburg and the whole Tampa Bay area.
Published: 04/18/18
The newest trend for Tampa date nights? Indoor ax throwing

The newest trend for Tampa date nights? Indoor ax throwing

Axe Throwing Tampa and Raider Axe Lodge are bringing the axe-throwing trend to the Tampa Bay area.
Published: 04/18/18