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Premature push for intimate information is a deal-breaker

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Premature push for intimate information is a deal-breaker

Louisville: The other day, the guy I've been out with exactly four times asked me for my "number." (Not my phone number, the other one.) I was offended that he'd even ask at this early stage, so I didn't tell him. Instead of respecting my privacy, he decided I must be embarrassed about my number or I would tell him.

Is this thing DOA? I know asking that question is a no-no, but is it a deal-breaker? I'd almost be willing to tell him my number, which is normal, if it means getting past this awkwardness.

Carolyn: Gah, no, don't. It's none of his business, but that's not why this is DOA. It's DOA because he didn't respect your "no."

It's very important that you don't cave in to people just because they make that the easier option for you. It is a classic form of manipulation: Ask for something you know isn't yours to have, and then indicate that a refusal to comply will be punished — by blame, judgment, yelling, stony silence, accusations of ulterior motives that it never occurred to you to have (you're embarrassed?). Toddlers do it, adolescents do it, immature adults do it, and abusers do it.

So unless you want to be in a relationship with a toddler, an adolescent, a boundary-challenged man-child or an abuser, please tell him you're not interested in seeing him anymore.

Anonymous: Re: Number: What "number" are we referring to? Why so cryptic?

Carolyn: Sex partners. It's pretty routine discussion fodder around here, so maybe it reflects Louisville's sensitivities. If true, that squeamishness would suggest Louisville is vulnerable to self-doubt on this issue, which would be another powerful reason for Louisville not to cave.

Grandson expected inheritance

Maryland: My grandmother recently passed away and left a decent-size inheritance to my mom, who was her only child and had been her guardian for the last 10-plus years of her life. My siblings and I had the fortune of living near my grandmother during her later years and included her in family get-togethers.

Not that I don't think my parents should receive the lion's share of the inheritance, but I feel my grandmother would have wanted her adult grandchildren to also benefit. I've voiced my opinions to my parents, who were comfortable before inheriting. My wife is incensed that I received no portion of the inheritance.

Carolyn: Yuck. The money was your grandmother's, and she gave it to your mom. Period, over, done. The money is now your mom's, legally and morally, to do with as she pleases.

Maybe if you had recently loaned your parents a substantial sum and were having trouble making ends meet because of it, then I might see the logic in asking your mom for the share you felt you deserved. And if your wife had been your grandmother's guardian for the last 10-plus years, then I could see her being hurt by the exclusion from the will, even angry. Not entitled, mind you, just upset.

But you invited Grandma to Sunday brunch occasionally, and now your wife is "incensed"? Wow. Neither you nor your wife is looking pretty from here.

Premature push for intimate information is a deal-breaker 02/28/10 [Last modified: Sunday, February 28, 2010 3:30am]

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