The Miami Dolphins' offensive line.
Yeah, that's what my sex trigger hold was. First and last names from left to right tackle, in order. It was better than imagining dead cats or a decrepit old aunt, like some of my friends did.
See, as an excitable young man, having a quick trigger at sexy time was a scary thought. Sex back then was akin to being a rodeo cowboy: Eight seconds and I'd brush myself off, waiting for the standing ovation.
Now I'm older and I realize nobody wants to be a sprinter in the sack. Guys who say they don't worry about "jumping the gun" or "committing a false start" are liars.
So we use some pretty twisted psychology and desperate visuals to occupy our thoughts and divert our attention away from an abrupt finale — all in the name of trying to please you women. That, plus our egotistical desire to pump up our own machismo.
So last week, when a study came out saying the average sexual encounter should last between three and 13 minutes, men all over the world breathed a sigh of relief. Like Tarzan, we can now bang on our chests and walk away from the bed a conqueror, a sexual dynamo, even if our performance lasted as long as an extended commercial break during her favorite TV show.
Now I'm like a cell-phone company, "That's right baby, take that fourteenth minute and roll it over 'til the next time. Call me Eros!"
So sorry, Dolphins! This study proves I don't need you anymore. And you know, I had the left tackle and guard's names down pretty well. The center and right guard were mentioned once in a while, with a couple of cocktails in me.
But that right tackle? I'll be dammed if I ever got to him anyhow.
Whattaya know? Another "study" that seems like it was written by men, for men, with little care for what satisfies us!
Oh, Dave, I bet you and your fellow callous cavemen were just giddy at the news.
Three minutes! That's about as long as it takes you in the urinal after a few beers, right? And 13 minutes! Heck, that's like a shower and a morning shave, true?
I mean, with a three- to 13-minute allowance, just think of all the extra time you'll have to be a productive citizen! (Yeah, right ...)
Knowing you, the extra hours will be spent watching lame reality TV or trading hyped-up "great sex" stories with your fellow dudes.
Here's the problem with the study, Dave. Just because a scientist gives you permission to have a quick trigger doesn't mean it's going to win you kudos from the only "researcher" who matters: Her.
You can hurry all you want, but what good is that going to do her? Just when the gun is cooling off, the target is warmed up! This is no good.
So a little advice, Dave, because I'm your friend and I care: Sometimes the turtle is more intriguing and victorious than the rabbit.