Thursday, December 14, 2017
Parenting & Relationships

Response to boyfriend's bigotry should be a no-brainer

Proper response to boyfriend's bigotry should be a no-brainer

Q: I recently discovered that my boyfriend has some religious and political beliefs that differ wildly from my own. This normally wouldn't be an issue, but when he met members of my family he made highly inappropriate and bigoted comments about them.

We discussed some of his views and he agreed to keep the comments to himself, but now I'm nervous about introducing him to friends and family for fear of what he might say. Is there any way to recover from this, or is it a deal-breaker?

Anonymous

A: So, if I think all (people of targeted demographic) are (stupid/lazy/bad drivers/cheap/dishonest/greedy/violent/dirty/suspiciously good at math), you're okay with that, as long as I don't say it out loud?

Or: Is there any way to recover from soft-pedaling bigotry as "some religious and political beliefs that differ wildly from my own"?

People with bigoted views are bigots, even when their mouths aren't moving. Unless your boyfriend said in response to your discussion, "Wow, I never thought of it that way; I'm wrong to believe all (whoevers) are (whatever)," then he's still as much of a bigot as he revealed himself to be when he met your family. And if that isn't a deal-breaker for you, then what is?

'I don't like them' is no excuse for rude attitude

Q: So what do you do with an acquaintance who can be friendly and nice to one person, and refuse to even respond to a "Hello, how are you?" from another? Her excuse is "I don't like them," but does that allow her to be rude? Oh, did I mention we are in our 50s, not our teens?

Anonymous 2

A: Excellent — so there's no risk you'll be shunned on the school bus for taking a proper stand. And assuming it's not possible to avoid her, a proper stand is in order. Such as: "I imagine she doesn't like you, either, and is just being civil." With a smile. Of course, by doing that, you'll cannonball your way onto her enemies list, but that sounds like an honor to me.

Take the hint: If he isn't making an effort, he's not worth it

Q: This guy and I have been dating for five months. We used to spend about every other day together, but now it's like he barely wants to spend time with me.

Last week, after another discussion about it, he said he just needed time to think. After a few days, he acted like nothing was wrong, said "nothing happened" and that he just needed time to himself.

I love him, and thought he loved me because he used to talk about the future with me. When we're together, everything's good. It's just that he doesn't make the effort anymore to spend time with me. It's usually me making the effort now to contact him. Any advice would be helpful.

Anonymous 3

A: He's not pretending that nothing is wrong. He's saying "nothing happened," yes — but his not getting in touch with you anymore is an (in)action that demonstrates there's something wrong, and he knows it.

So, accept the truth of his actions. It's over unless he makes the effort that says otherwise: the effort to spend time with you. I'm sorry.

Comments
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