Sunday, June 24, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Same-sex couples making new wedding rituals

SEATTLE — "People used to ask, 'When are you getting married?' " Shelly Crocker said, leaning across the table at a north Seattle donut shop next to her wife, Sandy Kibort, and their daughter, Emma Kibort-Crocker. "I always told them, 'Well, the entire state of Washington has to vote on it first.' "

Crocker and Kibort got that nod in November. Two months after Washington voters approved Referendum 74, the couple were legally wed in their synagogue. High school sweethearts originally from Minneapolis, Kibort and Crocker had first been joined in a commitment ceremony in 1984 but waited to legally marry until they could do so in their own state.

That's a trend among same-sex couples, says Kirsten Ott Palladino, the Atlanta-based co-founder and editor in chief of EquallyWed.com, an online magazine devoted to same-sex weddings. "As more states are legally recognizing same-sex marriage, couples are choosing to wait to marry in their home states," Palladino said. "We're not seeing as many people flying to Massachusetts or New York for their big weddings."

Palladino also cited a growing interest in incorporating religion into same-sex ceremonies, as Crocker and Kibort did.

"For a time, there was a backlash against including religion in same-sex weddings. Now couples seem proud to put religion and cultural traditions back into their ceremonies," Palladino said.

There's more freedom these days to choose a wedding that reflects a couple's relationship and budget, according to Steven Petrow, author of Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners.

This generation of gays and lesbians is creating a new set of rites and rituals incorporating both old and new traditions, Petrow said. He cited one new tradition of sending the rings around to be blessed by all those in attendance. "It's like a metaphor for a group hug. It's incredibly moving."

Today's same-sex couples often go with nontraditional wedding party configurations. "The maid of honor might be a man or the best man may be a woman," Petrow said. "And honored attendants are often a mix of close friends and family."

Often the couple walk down the aisle together, "or if they have kids, the whole family may process," he said.

Crocker and Kibort sent their two adult daughters, Emma and Hannah Kibort-Crocker, down the aisle before them.

Like Kibort and Crocker, many same-sex couples tying the knot are in midlife and have well-established relationships and children. While their parents may be given honored roles, many couples are planning and paying their own way.

It remains to be seen how younger same-sex couples will structure their weddings. Petrow said that while his generation of gays and lesbians had no expectation of getting married, today's kids are growing up expecting to have the choice.

And just because they have the right to marry doesn't mean a couple will choose to do so. "It's impolite to hassle people — gay or straight — about getting married," Petrow said. It is acceptable, he says, to ask how a same-sex couple who are getting married would like to be described. While many choose "husband and husband" or "wife and wife," he said it's a matter of respect to call them as they want. Listen to how they refer to themselves and follow their lead.

While many same-sex weddings are apolitical, many other couples are passionate about politics and choose to include it in their weddings, Palladino said.

Crocker and Kibort included a reminder of their newly gained right by involving Anne Levinson, a Seattle gay rights activist, former judge and deputy mayor, in their ceremony with Rabbi Jill Borodin.

"We didn't want it to be a political event. It's a wedding," Crocker said.

"But our wedding was bigger than us," Kibort said. "It's a civil rights issue."

While political undertones are often present in same-sex ceremonies, Petrow reminded guests: "You're not being asked to vote for gay marriage by choosing to attend a wedding. You're being asked to show up and love a member of your family."

Guests should decline to attend if they can't support the couple's relationship, he added. "Same-sex weddings, like straight weddings, are at their heart about love and commitment. If you can't honor the couple, please stay home."

Crocker and Kibort even bristle at the term "gay marriage." "I don't gay park. I don't have gay lunch," Kibort said. "You don't say you're going to an interracial marriage. It isn't a gay marriage. It's a marriage."

Comments

Tell Me About It: Dad despairs at state of gender relations

Q: Day after day, we have new news of a famous man who has done unspeakably stupid and offensive things to women ... for decades. Society is, somewhat belatedly, starting to take these accusations seriously.But change is needed at the opposite end of...
Published: 06/22/18

Tell Me About It: Future in-laws are insisting on an open bar

Q: My fiance and I are getting married in my familyís hometown and my parents are hosting (and paying for) the wedding. My family are minimal drinkers. My fianceís large extended family is accustomed to weddings with full open bars.My parentsí initia...
Published: 06/21/18
Plan your weekend: St. Pete Pride, Hall and Oates, Pixies, Logic, comics Jay Pharoah and Bobby Bones

Plan your weekend: St. Pete Pride, Hall and Oates, Pixies, Logic, comics Jay Pharoah and Bobby Bones

Rainbow connection Pride weekend: One of the largest Pride celebration in the Southeast happens this weekend in St. Petersburg, bringing a rainbow of activities. Things set off on Friday with the free SP2 Concert at North Straub Park, hosted by Coc...
Published: 06/20/18
Updated: 06/21/18
Big concerts this weekend: Luke Bryan, Hall and Oates, Weezer, Logic and more

Big concerts this weekend: Luke Bryan, Hall and Oates, Weezer, Logic and more

HIS KIND OF NIGHT: Luke BryanItís been three long years since Tampa has seen the well-groomed hide of Luke Bryan, the Hollywoodiest hunk in Nashville. But heís about to make up for lost time. On Saturday heíll headline his biggest-ever show here, a b...
Published: 06/20/18
Top things to do this week: Go Skateboarding Day, Hollywood medium Tyler Henry

Top things to do this week: Go Skateboarding Day, Hollywood medium Tyler Henry

Tyler Henry: Hollywood MediumTyler Henry, the so-called Hollywood Medium who stars in an eponymous E! hit show, is coming to town with a live show called "Life Lessons I Have Learned From the Departed." The soft-spoken 22-year-old has done readings f...
Published: 06/20/18
5 things to do under $5: USF Summer Plant Festival, Bridal Show, free show by AnastasiaMax

5 things to do under $5: USF Summer Plant Festival, Bridal Show, free show by AnastasiaMax

1 Summer Plant Festival: If you think you canít get anything to thrive in Floridaís brutal summers, check out the vendors with fruit trees and advice on how to grow them, along with hundreds of blooming butterfly plants, herbs and tropical and exotic...
Published: 06/20/18

Tell Me About It: Wife punished after being victimized

Q: At a work happy hour, a male co-worker groped me. He later "apologized" with the qualification that I had been sending him mixed signals.Iím married, he has met my husband, Iíve never led him on. And when it happened I was incredibly clear that it...
Published: 06/20/18
Your guide to St. Pete Pride: What's changed for 2018

Your guide to St. Pete Pride: What's changed for 2018

Pride weekend kicks off in St. Petersburg Friday with a free concert hosted by a RuPaul’s Drag Race star, a parade along the downtown waterfront on Saturday and an expanded expo of vendors and art on Sunday in the Grand Central District that ga...
Published: 06/19/18

Tell Me About It: Mom/daughter dynamic feels controlling

Q: I am afraid I may be a controlling mom of my young adult daughter, but we have a dynamic in which she seeks me out often, solicits my advice, and makes me too important in her life. I admit to offering that advice because it is hard for me to draw...
Published: 06/19/18

Tell Me About It: Regretting staying too long in bad romance

Q: I recently broke up with someone after two years. Even though there were things that bothered me while we were together, I would convince myself I was overreacting, he didnít really mean it, etc.Now that itís over, I feel like a fool for not havin...
Published: 06/18/18