Get message across to girlfriend who is texting another man
Q: My girlfriend has been texting a male friend of hers for several weeks now. She texts him before we go to sleep, right when she wakes up, and many times during the day. I have told her how uncomfortable it makes me feel, and I think it is inappropriate, especially late at night while we are together in bed. She tells me there is nothing going on, but it feels like emotional infidelity to me. I know for a fact that she has lied to me about who she was texting before, claiming it was a girlfriend, but it was this man.
We have had our share of issues before, for many of which I have taken responsibility, but she can't seem to accept that I am trying to change, nor does she even seem interested in trying to make our relationship work. How can I re-establish the bond between us that is obviously broken if she feels such a need to constantly text this other man? Am I being played?
But she isn't doing a very good job of it. You know what she's doing, she's doing it right in your face, and she knows you're not fooled.
So please decline to play your half of this lame and tired game. You (apparently) did something wrong that she (apparently) decided wasn't bad enough to warrant breaking up. Right? But she isn't over it, either, and shows no effort or progress toward getting over it? And may well be auditioning your replacement while you keep the seat warm?
If so, say so, exactly. "I did X, I was and still am sorry and I'm making changes, and you took me back — but not really. You're texting this guy right in my face.
"So I think we should call this what it is: Over. I hope I'm wrong. But if your heart is really still in our relationship, then please don't dismiss me with 'There is nothing going on with this guy.' "
If she agrees with you, it's over, if she dismisses you, it's over — in other words, you'll know you're still on if, and only if, the two of you actually talk.
In counseling, be candid about dissatisfaction with marriage
Q: After a decade of a less-than-ambitious marriage, and a couple of very difficult years, my relationships with other women blossomed into more. Wife found out, and now we're in counseling both joint and solo. I've given up all other women for now but feel I'm giving up a lot of life for the current situation. I don't know that the relationship will really improve. Recommendations?
A: "Hi, I'm Bob, and this is my current situation, Lisa."
Please tell your counselor everything you said here, solo. A good one will help you pick it apart for any faulty reasoning, shaky conclusions or unrealistic expectations.
If your dissatisfaction with this marriage stands up to scrutiny, then you share a nonbrutal (but still honest) version of those feelings in joint counseling. Sometimes the only way you can love, honor and cherish someone is to free her to find someone who can keep that promise to her.
I'd even send her my best wishes for a more ambitious remarriage, if I had any idea what that meant.