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She's unwilling to lie to friend's new girlfriend

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

She's unwilling to lie to friend's new girlfriend

Anonymous: A good friend of mine has decided not to tell his new girlfriend that he and I used to date because he thinks it'll make her unnecessarily uncomfortable around me. I see his point, but the little lies this requires hurt my feelings, as does the fact that (apparently) I can be so easily written out of his history. It's not like it's a huge deal — we didn't last very long and it was clear it was not going anywhere from the beginning — but it's the principle. Am I being crazy?

Carolyn: A little, but only because your primary concern is your feelings, when the big flashy red issue is that he's telling lies — not to mention recruiting you to support them by telling lies of your own. The correct response to his request (and I hope you know how suspicious I am of the idea that there's a lone "correct" response to any situation) is to tell him where to stick his moronic lie, and that you won't cover for him if it ever comes up.

The guy has overcooked pasta where his spine should be, which is a bigger deal here than your feelings.

Why why why do people do this?

Mom's desire to shop for wedding dress not realistic

Wedding Dress WT(H): I could use your perspective on this. I've been engaged for two years, but we have no desire to have a wedding or reception, mostly due to our parents' divorces.

Both of us grew up in the presence of nasty battles between our parents. We have no desire to have them ALL in the same place together. Sure, our parents can be adults and get through one day, but WE are the ones uncomfortable with it. We'd really like to go to the justice of the peace and have drinks afterward.

My mom just made me feel really bad for not wanting a ceremony or reception. Her words were, "Now I'll never have the experience of shopping for a wedding dress with my daughter." (My sis went ahead and bought the first dress she tried on.)

I don't want to be insensitive, since this is obviously something she's fantasized about, but WT(H)? I stammered that we could go vintage shopping or something together, but I was not going to have a ceremony and reception.

What type of parent bullies their kid into something like this? Or am I being a jerk about it — should I just shut up, plaster a smile on my face, and go shopping, since it'll bring her so much joy?

Carolyn: Would you please just get married your way and be done with it? The shared moments that matter are the ones that just happen, not the ones society scripts, and they happen between people who don't pressure each other for them. What your mother is demanding of you doesn't exist because authenticity on demand does not exist. Since you can't give her what doesn't exist, you're in the clear.

If it helps you feel better and/or lays a better foundation with your mom, try to think of something you would like to share with her, and invite her along. Even if it backfires, you'll know you tried, and she will on some level, too.

She's unwilling to lie to friend's new girlfriend 03/07/11 [Last modified: Monday, March 7, 2011 4:19pm]
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