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Shift focus from girlfriend and learn to empower yourself

Shift focus away from girlfriend and learn to empower yourself

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Q: I am seeing this girl, and it's one of those things where I never thought she would be with me. She is very beautiful, and everything I have ever wanted.

We had a fight, and I told her if she wanted me she would come back to me, and, well, she did. She is always texting other guys, but won't tell me who, and says they are just friends. She always says she could have anybody she wants, but she chose me.

At times I feel like she is just playing me, but I'm not sure, and when I ask her if I'm the only one, her response is "You should know." When a guy texts her she gets this look, like, oh no, and hides her phone, but if it's anyone else she shows me.

She says I have to trust her, but how can I when I don't know what she is doing, or what she and these guys talk about? Could you help me?

Anonymous

A: Depends on how ready you are to help yourself.

People who are beautiful on the inside don't tell you they're doing you a favor by liking you; they like you because they feel lucky to know you, and aren't afraid to treat you accordingly. They also hope, without presuming, that you feel just as lucky to know them.

Maybe someday her character will develop this kind of sparkle (you both sound pretty young), but it's not there yet. That's why she's playing the game of coming back to you — because she does want to stay with you — while dangling other guys in your face and showily reminding you that "she could have anybody she wants" (kaff, gack). Those are her attempts to declare that she has all the power, but, of course, if she did, then why would she need to keep saying it? Real power speaks for itself.

There is one kind of power every single one of us brings to every relationship, whether we know it or not, and whether we use it or not: the power to say, "No, thanks," and walk away. From here, it appears as if you're both afraid the other person will use this power against you — thus her dangling you on a string and your agreeing to be dangled.

To bring an instant dose of health to this relationship, shift your focus for a moment away from trying to keep her, and turn it to your freedom to let her go.

You can decide that her (external) beauty and whatever else she offers aren't worth the constant chafe of her texting game. You can respond to "I can have anyone" with, "How is that relevant? People can always find someone else. It's understood."

When she says you "have to trust" her, you can say, "No, I don't have to, I choose to, based on the way you treat me."

In other words, you can force yourself to look past her looks (I can almost hear the effort involved in that, like a dump truck climbing a hill) and see the person you're dating.

And, you can do what she's daring you to do: You can decide whether it's a person you actually like.

Shift focus from girlfriend and learn to empower yourself 07/05/11 [Last modified: Tuesday, July 5, 2011 5:30am]
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