Friday, May 25, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Staying resilient difficult in times of extreme stress

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Staying resilient difficult in times of extreme stress

Q: Any advice on how to keep bouncing back when life keeps sending bad news your way? I feel like that ambush scene in "Bonnie and Clyde" when the cops keep shooting way after Bonnie and Clyde have probably died.

My father died of ALS in July, my mother has ovarian cancer and her chemo isn't working, our dog is 15 and on his last legs (no pun intended), my freelance business is in the tank due to the recession.

I'm talking with a therapist each week, but still feel swallowed up by the neverending tsunami. Advice? Other than getting a bulk discount on tissues?

Resiliency

Carolyn: Since the tsunami isn't actually lapping at your foundation (at least, not yet), you can get a little more creative in the way you define "safest possible place." I can't say this enough: Strip your life of everything that either doesn't matter or can wait for later; spare from the ax one or two activities that have a renewing effect on you, and make them your refuge; and spend your remaining energy on giving and receiving love from those whose time is running out.

Also, take faultless care of yourself, based on the holistic trinity of sleep, exercise and healthy diet.

For your emotional state during this time, I offer two of the most enduringly useful pieces of advice I've gotten from people during my worst times:

1. Find a steeple to chase — i.e., use a fixed point in the distance as the thing that keeps you from losing yourself, and keeps you moving toward a goal. It can just be "Take great care of my mom" or "Stay close to my spouse/partner/best friend" or "Make it to my annual beach week."

2. Know that everything external eventually passes. That includes bad times, good times, bulls, bears, and every one of us.

In other words, steady yourself, then trust and live by the laws of change.

Anonymous: Volunteer. Do something you have always wanted to do to help those in worse shape than you. This is what I did when I was laid off with one day's notice, while in radiation treatment for breast cancer. I got myself down to the local animal shelter, and it saved my sanity. I even found out that I, a cat person, really like dogs, too.

Carolyn: A great suggestion if it doesn't create time pressure that becomes another source of stress.

Since part of the tsunami is the ailing mother, caring for her can have the same benefit as giving charitably — it's still getting out of your own head, and doing something tangibly good, which are the two main benefits of volunteering.

Volunteering is also a suggestion that will keep. When this awful phase is behind Tsunami, and his or her emphasis shifts from enduring to healing, an investment in a meaningful cause can put grief to good use. Through ALS or cancer advocacy groups (the ALS Association is close to my heart), animal welfare work or small-business support, today's bad news can be tomorrow's purpose — a kind of life after death.

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