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Tell Me About It: Arguing in-laws put damper on vacation

 
Published Sept. 23, 2015

Q: We just returned from a week at the lake with our two grown kids, their significant others, and other family members from both sides. This is the third year we've set up this family vacation, and we want to do it next year — minus my husband's brother and wife. They love this week and look forward to it, but the rest of us find them harder and harder to take.

One issue is the tension between them, which has escalated over the years. They argue a lot, even with grandkids around. They seemingly have no filters.

My husband is the one suggesting we not include them next time, but his strategy is to lie about it — just say we're not renting a place next year. I can't quite agree to that plan, but I'm clueless how to proceed.

Stressed Out Vacationer

A: Lying and gathering without them is awful. Flat out. They will find out somehow, because people always do, and then what? They're hurt, you're busted taking the low road, your in-laws are weighed down with the prospect of their lives ending as their children barely speak.

Going this route is especially awful when three different high roads start here.

First, you can limit next year's vacation to immediate family, and explain to everyone that the big house and big gathering stress you out.

The second road is for your husband to tell his brother, with apologies for prying, that he's concerned about the escalation of hostility between Brother and Wife, and he's available for listening.

The third road is one that — admittedly I'm assuming — you all bypassed on prior trips: Speak up. "Please find another way to resolve this; there are kids here."

It's not mean — it's compassionate. People often don't know how ugly things have gotten till people who love them hold a mirror right in their line of sight. Have the courage to do that.