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Tell Me About It: Bride-to-be doesn't want a large wedding

 
Published Dec. 30, 2015

Q: I'm marrying the middle of three brothers. We have been engaged for about a year now. Growing up I never imagined having a big fancy wedding.

My problem is that I don't want to get married in front of the family — I don't want a big day where I don't get to spend the whole day with my fiance. I want something just between me, him and the officiant. How can I explain this to the mother-in-law without making her feel like I'm giving the whole family the middle finger?

Engaged

Carolyn: Well, you kind of are. What does your fiance think about cutting out all guests?

Complaining that "I don't get to spend the whole day with my fiance" has a whiff of possessiveness that stops me.

If that's how you see your marriage playing out — just you two, locked arms, no one else — then I beg you to make sure this is what he wants too. And that it's healthy for you both.

If your fiance wants distance from his family, then that's his prerogative. But if you're the origin of this approach, please keep in mind that sharing him with the people he loves is one way for you to show your love for him.

Anonymous 2: The bride sounds to me like a private person who didn't want all the pomp and circumstance that would keep her separated from her husband. To think the bride and groom are giving their families the middle finger, you would have to take it as a given that families are entitled to be present at the ceremony.

Carolyn: No, families aren't entitled to be there, but families are still entitled to their own relationships with their grown children, and vice versa, after said children take on life partners. When a partner presumes to interfere with that relationship, that's very problematic. Is that happening here? I don't know, but it certainly seemed possible. There's no "us" to this letter. Yellow caution flag.