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Tell Me About It: Bride-to-be is pressured into big wedding

 
Published July 12, 2016

Q: I'm newly engaged and having a hard time with others' expectations for what my wedding should be. I think marriage will be pretty cool, but actually getting married isn't important to me — no poofy-white-dress dreams. My fiance doesn't want anything fancy either.

However, I have a big family and I'm the oldest grandchild, plus my mom desperately wants to wedding vicariously through me. How do I deal with the pressure? Can we just go to the courthouse without feeling guilty, or is the wedding truly "for the family"?

Angsty

A: You need to have a plain and honest conversation with your mother. She won't get what she "desperately" wants even if you self-sacrifice your way into the full Cinderella — because you won't revel in it, you'll be miserable. Plus, it's not her dream or wedding to have, period.

So be utterly and lovingly straight with her that the fairy tale isn't happening. No poufy dress.

But what can happen is an intimate exchange of vows followed by a warm and loving celebration with your big family, because that needn't be fancy at all. Just think party, and, if your mother can swap out "dream wedding" visions for "fun party" visions, she can be instrumental in helping you plan it.

But, again, it starts with talking to Mom. This is a clutch opportunity to be gracious but firm. Pressure is just the gap between her expectations and yours, so close it upfront.

Anonymous 2: Talking it out is the answer, but going to the courthouse might well be the result. Causing more grief than it is worth is what the mother is doing, not Angsty.

Carolyn: It's not just about the mother, but also the extent to which Angsty wants to include family. There's a lot of room between "nothing fancy" and "courthouse," and between poor boundaries and valid disappointment.