Wednesday, July 18, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Tell Me About It: Competition between friends should stop

Q: I became pregnant at a young age, unplanned, and have been married and raising my child since. My friend traveled the more traditional route, dating, finishing college, and marrying before having children, which took some extraordinary effort; think many trips to fertility doctors and all that might entail.

Now, when children are the topic of our conversation and natural comparisons start taking place, the distinct tone of her comment is that she cherishes these milestones so much more than I do because I got pregnant "accidentally" whereas she had to work hard at it.

I think I can imagine the anguish and stress that serious infertility issues might cause. The thing is, once the baby is here, however he got here, his mother is going to love him as if he is the most special baby that ever was, right?

How do I address my friend's slight when she implies or outright says that her baby is more precious than mine?

Precious-er Child?

A: You probably can't imagine, actually, the anguish and stress that serious infertility issues might cause.

That doesn't change the fact that your friend's comparisons are howlers, but it does slide the starting point of the problem a little closer to you.

You're both in mine-vs.-yours mode, both comparing where supporting would feel a lot better.

The answer isn't to stop her from diminishing your experience, but to stop pitching in to this competition, period.

What if, instead of taking offense, you took it as a conversation starter? "If you're saying infertility made you more mindful, then I'm sure that's true. But comparing your experience to others' — like mine — is dicey. You can't know how other moms feel."

It wouldn't diminish her, either, to admit you're taking offense: "When you say you cherish milestones more than I do, I hear that I somehow don't love or value my child as much. I hope that's not what you mean." Give her room to assure you it's not.

Comments
First look (with video): Universal’s new high-tech fountain shows ends the night at the theme park

First look (with video): Universal’s new high-tech fountain shows ends the night at the theme park

Visitors to Universal Studios in Orlando on Monday night got to witness the premiere of the new high-tech, dancing-fountain, cinematic show to end the day in the park in what the show’s creator called "a kiss goodnight." It’s full of ima...
Published: 07/17/18

Tell Me About It: Stepmom expects gift will become an issue

Q: My husband’s daughter just announced she and her boyfriend are getting married, and we are very happy for them. They are planning a wedding that we consider over the top. The cost will likely exceed her annual salary.My husband has been blunt abou...
Published: 07/17/18

Tell Me About It: The grieving process differs for everyone

Q: My parents died in an accident a year and a half ago. I grieve for them every day and still find it difficult to talk about them without tears. I see a grief counselor and have been screened by my doctor for depression, and both said what I was fe...
Published: 07/16/18

Tell Me About It: Wife’s beefs with family are indefensible

Q: My wife occasionally picks fights with members of my family of origin, especially my sister. What am I supposed to do about that? The general guidance is that protecting my spouse from my family of origin is my responsibility, but it was my wife t...
Published: 07/15/18
Rascal Flatts’ Jay DeMarcus talks longevity, the road and picking the perfect opener

Rascal Flatts’ Jay DeMarcus talks longevity, the road and picking the perfect opener

There was a time, believe it or not, when Rascal Flatts was considered cutting-edge country. Okay, "cutting-edge" might be pushing it — the trio’s wholesome, harmony-laden style was never all that controversial. Still, when you survey the pop- and R&...
Updated: 21 minutes ago
8 things to do this weekend: Sam Smith, SharkCon, Extreme Mud Wars, deal at Chihuly

8 things to do this weekend: Sam Smith, SharkCon, Extreme Mud Wars, deal at Chihuly

Concert Sam Smith and Cam: On Friday, Sam Smith (Stay With Me) is coming to Tampa with opening act Cam, whose latest country single Diane is one of Nashville’s most rollicking of the past year. Smith is the headliner but both acts are worth ca...
Published: 07/13/18

Tell Me About It: Decision to adopt must be her own

Q: I’m a 45-year-old single woman who is financially secure and a self-described introvert. I am happy being single, have a decent job, own a home, and have created a good life for myself. I badly want to adopt or foster a child on my own and I have ...
Published: 07/12/18
Play encouraged at Florida Orchestra’s Instrument Petting Zoo

Play encouraged at Florida Orchestra’s Instrument Petting Zoo

ZEPHYRHILLS — Enticing kids to become avid page turners is part of the Pasco County’s "Libraries Rock" summer reading program. There’s always a fun element to bring them in, that this year comes with a musical theme.For Blake Pole, 9, an afternoon tr...
Published: 07/11/18
Updated: 07/16/18
Top things to do this week: SharkCon with Richard Dreyfuss, Mud Wars

Top things to do this week: SharkCon with Richard Dreyfuss, Mud Wars

SHARKCON: Richard Dreyfuss and Sharknado starsIn its fifth year, SharkCon has expanded from a weekend all about sharks with a touch tank, ocean bounce house and science talks, adding a comic con element with celebrity appearances by Richard Dreyfuss,...
Published: 07/11/18
5 things to do under $5 this week: Chihuly glass art, Eichmann exhibit, Back to School Bash

5 things to do under $5 this week: Chihuly glass art, Eichmann exhibit, Back to School Bash

1 Chihuly Anniversary Weekend: To celebrate its eighth anniversary, admission is $5 at the Chihuly Collection of glass art from famed artist Dale Chihuly. In addition to the permanent collection of glass art, a special exhibition is on display. "Stor...
Published: 07/11/18