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Tell Me About It: Couple needs unity when facing strife

 
Published Oct. 15, 2015

Q: My husband and I were married in May and are preparing for our first Christmas together. We agreed that Thanksgiving would be with my family and Christmas with his.

The issue is my mother-in-law. She was very rude during the wedding — she barely spoke to me and gave no response when I said hello, and chastised me at the next-day gathering. She later planned a summer family trip that my husband and I were expected to attend during the one week when I told her I wasn't available.

This is causing strain between my husband and me because they are very close. My husband says we just haven't found a space to connect, and I should just let it go until we do.

I feel like we should address our issues before the Christmas visit, but I'm not sure it would do much good. How should I handle the upcoming holiday?

In-Law

A: I suspect "we" means you and your mother-in-law, but it needs to be you and your husband.

In particular, you need to recognize the importance of letting stuff go, and he needs to recognize the importance of backing you up.

Meaning, for you: A failure to say "hello" is too puny a bean to count. This woman is your family now, and your husband loves her. You owe it to him to let minutiae go.

Meaning, for him: Siding with Mother on big stuff like squeezing you out of vacations (!) is a 2 + 2 for spousal alienation. Honoring those new vows is so basic. "Mom really said that to you? No wonder you're upset. I'll talk to her, if you'd like." And, "Mom, that week doesn't work for us, remember?" Talking like this, calmly, helps both of you sort misdeeds from misunderstandings. Plus, neither of these responses sells out Mom; both merely validate that spouses are unified, side-by-side.

If one or both of you won't budge in the other's favor, then you're serving yourselves, not the marriage.