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Tell Me About It: Couple's huge fight was heard by their kids

 
Published Jan. 27, 2017

Q: My husband and I work at home together and get along exceptionally well . . . that is, until we don't. Once in a great long while we will have a huge blow-up. It doesn't get physical but my husband will start dropping the F-bomb. Last night such a dispute occurred — he swore and stomped around and the kids could hear. We have household rules about cussing — but he lost his temper.

He is under stress at work and I think this contributes a great deal to his loss of control.

Today I get the silent treatment. It will pass by tomorrow. What to tell the kids?

Once in a Blue Moon . . .

A: You tell the kids what you always tell the kids when one of you screws up. You say you're sorry — in this case, he says it — and admit the mistake by name. "I lost my cool, no excuses. You deserve a better effort from me."

If he refuses, then you need to tell the kids you're sorry you argued, you'll work with Daddy on it and it's going to be okay.

Kids — people, I should say — are naturally inclined to lie their way out when they're busted, so push against this by making it clear that mistakes aren't big horrible things that must never be said out loud. Normalize the admission of fault, normalize a show of love for family members at their least lovable times.

Conscientiously raised children are ones who have been told and shown how to conduct themselves when it's their turn to mess up.

Since the problem you're writing about is a recurring one, you also have to take responsibility beyond just a, "Sorry, my bad," from Dad. He really must do better, and that means admitting he needs a healthier way to manage his stress. Day-to-day mitigation, that is, instead of ignore-ignore-ignore-BOOM-silence.

You can be the one who calmly and lovingly insists you both take a hard look at your coping methods. "Ignoring things till we have an explosive fight isn't good for the kids to see. I'd like us both to learn how to manage our day-to-day stresses better. Will you commit to this with me?"