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Tell Me About It: Dad needs instructions before he will visit

 
Published July 6, 2016

Carolyn Hax is away. The following column is from the past year.

Q: My dad and I were never close. My parents divorced when I was a teen and I "chose" my mom and had little relationship with him for years.

Dad lives across the country. My son is graduating from high school this spring and my dad wants to know if his attendance is "required." He said he would rather save the money and give it to my son for his gift.

I told my dad we would like him to come as he is important to us and it is a big milestone. He still asked point-blank if that means he has to do it. If I tell him it is his decision, he says, "No, you need to tell me what is expected of me."

Last year we were in a similar situation over my younger son's first Communion and I said he needed to come. He did and all seemed to go well.

I know he needs to make his own decision, but he doesn't seem to accept that as an answer.

J.

A: Yes, he needs to make his own decision — and he actually made it. He decided not to go unless you tell him to.

That's not what you want to hear, obviously, and it is no doubt painful for you that he doesn't want to show up for his own reasons.

But dwelling on that and, more important, holding out hope that he will someday become the kind of father who takes the initiative to be involved in your life — well, that just sounds like inviting him on a regular basis to keep re-breaking your heart.

This is the father he really is: He will show up if you tell him to. Hardly cuddly and supportive, but it's not nothing, either. It also gives you a level of logistical control that is almost unheard of in dealing with family.

So give yourself permission to use it guilt-free. Figure out how important his presence is to you, then give him his assignment.