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Tell Me About It: Daughter is bullied into visiting Grandma

 
Published Feb. 25, 2016

Q: Our wonderful, beautiful daughter is living at home to save money, studying to be a pharmacist, earning straight A's. My husband and I could not be happier with her.

Unfortunately, my mother-in-law ("Milly") does not feel the same way. She had her heart set on Daughter following a different career path, and is deeply disappointed. Even more unfortunate, Milly lacks a filter. So, Milly introduces Daughter as "my granddaughter, the drug dealer," with no hint that it is a joke.

Milly lives a three-hour drive from us. We visit regularly, though not as often as Milly would like, and sometimes we meet halfway for lunch. Our daughter goes along for the short visits but avoids longer trips. I am sympathetic: If Milly wants a closer relationship, then it is on her to learn to shut up.

My husband, however, is really upset. He feels that Daughter needs to be there for every visit. He is applying a lot of pressure, including threats to cut off financial help toward schooling.

How can we handle this?

Mom

A: Your husband's willingness to withhold tuition suggests he has more Milly in him than any of you would like to admit. Note the pattern of expecting people to behave as you want them to, and punishing disobedience sharply. So, your daughter doesn't become the doctor (right?) that Milly expected, then takes Milly's verbal abuse for it. Your daughter doesn't play the attentive granddaughter as her dad expects, then feels Dad's wrath for it.

Milly and your husband both need a gifted therapist.

Tell your husband, gently, that his tuition threat is a page from Milly's playbook.

More important: Tell your daughter she's entitled to protect herself here; how much she resists Dad, at what cost, is her call.

Your job is to decide how far you'll go to protect her, then promise her you'll do just that.