Advertisement

Tell Me About It: Family wants her away from abusive man

 
Published April 14, 2016

Q: A family member recently brought her "not" boyfriend to our family vacation for about two days last week. I can't even begin to describe the visceral reaction the house had to him, but I am trying to separate that from his dealings with my family member.

Because I am sure that there is some example of people out there who start drinking at 8 a.m. and use racial slurs and the "c" and "b" words to describe women without technically being abusive. I am sure that there are men out there who have gotten other women pregnant during a relationship who are not technically abusive.

But what truly sent me into an unrelenting tizzy was the realization she apparently has been with him for five years and we had never heard of him.

He shows up to greet us and, after a night where he gets way too drunk, she wakes up with bruises all over her arms and legs. She is clearly incredibly secretive and potentially (probably) lying about this guy to us, and likely her local friends. I am sure that if I push about this she will become more secretive and hide more.

But I cannot stand by. How do I move forward? Kind e-mail? Phone call? Give her some resources? The irony here is that she's a therapist, so a lot of these resources I am sure she's aware of.

Family

A: Generally I refer people in abusive relationships to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE, and you're right that she is almost certainly aware of it. You too, though, can call for advice from the trained staff on what you can and can't do to help someone who is pretty clearly in trouble but unlikely to respond well to intervention.

One thing to keep in mind: People like to know that you are there for them and won't judge. I've heard from many people over the years who have gotten out of abusive relationships that they were saved by a quick, private remark along the lines of, "When you need a place to go, call me, day or night. No questions asked."