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Tell Me About It: Fiance's emotional affair needs addressing

 
Published April 26, 2017

Q: How do you deal with your partner's emotional affair? Wait until this phase is over, or tell him I have noticed things? I am afraid talking about this will make me look jealous and possessive. I am not. I feel hurt and lonely because he is distancing from me. If he truly wanted to be with her, I would quietly walk away, but that does not seem to be the case. He may not even realize he is doing anything wrong. It is all about helping her, and being a reliable friend, etc. But he is mentioning her all the time for no valid reason, and is irritated with me much more often than before, and he does not tell things to me.

We are engaged, but I do not want to marry him if I cannot trust him. Again, if I tell him I want to break this engagement, it will look like I am being petty.

Hurt and Lonely

A: You can't talk to him because you'd "look jealous and possessive" and "look . . . petty"?

AAAAAAAAAA! Please stop negating yourself! That will bring more reliable misery than your partner's interest in somebody else. Seriously.

Your partner has withdrawn from your relationship. You can see it, you have evidence.

And, you have a life to manage one way or the other, so deal with this. He's either all in or he's out, no? And you need to be able to speak for yourself, especially to your chosen life partner.

So: "I want to marry you, but not when your attention is elsewhere. I see it. Please have the respect to tell me what's going on."

The truth is what will shape your life from now on, so even the worst news is better than being appeased. Advocate for that clearly in both your questions and responses. Counter anything you don't find credible with facts or observations; don't freak out even if he admits he's cheating; assure him you'd rather be hurt than lied to.

Please promise me this: that you won't marry anyone until you're ready to approach your own life as if you are its CEO.