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Tell Me About It: Food allergies make holiday dinners a drag

 
Published Jan. 27, 2017

Q: My mom is big on having holiday dinner gatherings. I have food allergies that can make eating out or eating food made by others a very stressful endeavor. Added to that, there are a couple of traditional holiday foods that were forced on me as a kid and still make me gag at the smell.

Some years have been better than others, but a recent holiday gathering included my off-limits ingredients in every dish save the bagged bread rolls, plus a surprise appearance of a traditional dish at the last minute with the usual family joke about how it is ridiculous for me to be sensitive about it.

I just don't want to do it anymore.

My sister-in-law, who also has food allergies, did a pre-holiday gathering that was fine.

Is it ridiculous for me to avoid the parental holiday dinners and encourage adding other types of non-food-centric gatherings to the calendar? Am I being a juvenile jerk?

Declining

A: I'll refrain from making a blind ruling on the way you handled this dinner.

But if what you describe of others' behavior is true — that your own family prepared an entire meal using ingredients to which they knew you were allergic — then we're talking about conscious choices so stunningly hostile that I'm surprised you didn't walk out on the lot of them.

So please, yes, take the step of saying a kind no-thank-you to these dinners from now on.

You've had license to do so all along. You also don't have to explain yourself and thereby mislead your family into believing your reasons are up for a roundtable discussion.

Your idea of encouraging and showing up at other, not-as-stressful events is an excellent way to remain connected to your family on your terms, and therefore adds a note of good faith to your decision to opt out of Mom's dinners. I hope for your sake that their actions show they deserve it.