Sunday, June 24, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Tell Me About It: Former fiance wants a second chance

Q: My former fiance, "John," prefers staying home to going out unless it's for work or family. I'm easygoing and never had a problem until a few weeks ago when he didn't come to an awards ceremony where I was being honored. I had to beg him to come.

Then he blew it off. Instead he binged Netflix. No apology.

I told him I needed to think and packed some things and went to my sister's. After thinking things over, I told him I wanted to break up.

John is suddenly apologetic and promising to go wherever I want. He says it's stupid to break up over an awards ceremony. He says he never messed up before and everyone deserves a second chance.

But I'm really, really happy. I didn't feel sad when we were together, but the thought of marrying him makes me want to cry. Is John right about getting a second chance? And how could I not see how unhappy I was?

Feeling Free

A: No, you do not go back to someone just because he thinks he "deserves" a second chance.

You need to consider your next step ended with "I'm really, really happy." You owe yourself that and you owe him — besides honesty and clarity — nothing.

In fact, this need to consider what you owe him got pretty twisted when you realized "the thought of marrying him makes me want to cry" and yet you still managed to keep the question open about whether John was "right" that he has any say in your rejection of him.

What? No! Not right! Why are you even considering it?

This isn't just a matter of remarkable disrespect — from the Netflixing no-show through the persistence in treating you like a commodity he deserves to obtain. He thinks he gets to decide things for you and you think he might be right. This is a problem you will carry with you into your life after John if you don't take a hard look at it now. Counseling with someone good can open your eyes.

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