Sunday, February 18, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Tell Me About It: Friend ponders how to mark anniversary of losses

Q: Is there any way around asking someone how they prefer to mourn? I have some friends who have lost someone special, and for the first year or two I send a card or email, or call on the anniversary. Easy enough.

But then what? Some continue to mark the anniversary every year. Some don't want to be reminded of a loss that's still weighing so heavily on them. (And lots in between, and lots who have preferred different things at different stages.)

I hate asking if they want me to acknowledge the date or not; I don't want to make them explain themselves or justify how they're mourning. I just know they're still hurting and I don't want them to feel alone.

Mourning a Loss

Carolyn: Asking does not automatically = "mak(ing) them explain themselves." If you just say you know they're still hurting but aren't always sure what they'd like from you, then say you'll follow their lead, whether it's to acknowledge the anniversary or let it pass without a painful reminder, I think it'll be clear to people you're not judging.

The alternative to asking is just to continue marking the anniversaries as you have. "I remember and I care" is one of those messages you needn't fear sending.

Anonymous: I would say most people have no idea how they prefer to mourn, even while they are going through it.

Carolyn: True, but this question is about people who are several years beyond a loss. In that case, I think it's reasonable to think that someone to whom you had sent a card on Year 1 and Year 2 would have a preference for marking Year 3.

Anonymous 2: The advantage in asking is not necessarily that you get a useful answer, but also that the person you're asking realizes you're acting on good intentions and want to be helpful, and are hoping you're not putting your foot in it. I think that goes a long way.

Carolyn: I'd embroider this on a pillow, but it would be one huge pillow.

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